Shades of Blue [h.v.c]

chapter 3

january 23 2018
roslyn & hansol

dear hansol,

it was a beautiful autumn day when i met you. to everyone else the sky was a beautiful blue, the air starting to chill and the colours of the trees where even more beautiful then they were in the summer. but, for me, everything was grey or washed out. i wanted to die that day but then you walked through the old wooden door into the chapel and i saw your darkened hair but bright smile, it made my day better, just for a second, it made me second guess myself with the huge decision i wanted to make. i was going to go through with it too until you approached me and called me that stupid little nickname.

i didn't know that day would make me fall in love with you and the idea of you and i together. little did i know you would feed off my dignity and vulnerability, get a laugh out of it, some sort of satisfaction. you told me you loved me the day i found out about the horrible thing you did.

i wanted to believe what you said was true, and i wanted to kiss you and forgive you right then and there after hearing those three beautiful words fall out of your mouth so beautifully and elegantly but i had to remind myself to be mad at you and not give in so easily. maybe you did mean the words you said. you ran after me, you where hurt when you saw what the tall long haired boy and i where doing, you didn't even show up to the small elementary school for two weeks and when you finally returned, you had a beautiful young girl with you.

i love you if you hadn't figured it out yet. and i'll never fucking stop till i'm in a hospital bed dying whether it's of old age, of some sort of accident involving two girls beating me up senseless, i will love you. if i marry someone else i will be thinking of you and the time we shared together and how much i miss the little things.

the way you would smile with your eyes when you looked at me, your laugh, the way your lips felt on mine, the way your warm hands traveled up my cold back and unclipped the piece of fabric that made me feel safe and confident. the way you pinned my hands to the bed but managed to make me feel loved and not submissive. the way you kissed my neck. and the way you said my name as we reached our high and i dragged my nails down your back.

this sucks, not being with you, not talking to you. i want to die. i really want to die. i feel worthless, i really do feel like a slut like everyone says, the only people keeping me alive is my dad, jeonghan, madelaine, jihoon and joshua. you look happier with her but i swear i was happier with you.

i want to die so bad, i hate living, i hate this world, i hate my life. i don't even know if my brother is alive and is doing okay. i want to be with my mom, wherever she is. i miss her, i've been visiting her grave a lot and every day i'm beginning to blame myself more and more. i say hi to sofia too, talk to her for a little while even though she never met me and doesn't know who the fuck i am. she's a very beautiful and caring soul, i can feel nothing but love and welcome when i'm sitting in front of her tomb stone.

i'm writing all of this to you because im so sick and tired of holding it in, so i wanted to write down my feelings and it's not like i'm going to send this to you, i just need to get it off my chest. i feel a bit better after writing this but the fear of someone actually finding this letter will always remain in my heart.

love you always,
roslyn xxx

—

dear roslyn,

       okay, fuck, how do i start this? i'm literally just writing about my feelings and i'm nervous about it, it's not like i'm actually going to give this to you and no one is going to find this but still, i feel like if someone finds it, they'd judge me... well everyone except for you of course.

       i met you on a beautiful autumn afternoon, the sky and colours bright but everything became brighter as soon as i layed on a girl, sitting slump in a chair with her grey hoodie up, hiding her bruises and insecurities with a hood. you thought everyone would judge you and think you're revolting with those bruises but me, i thought you were just, i don't know, i can't describe it. i just thought you were beautiful.

you made me forget about the shitty things in life. i don't have much money, i don't work much, my family except my parents blame me for what happened, i have to take those stupid pills every morning and i cry myself to sleep, not to mention i'm so incredibly insecure but no one knows that, you don't even know that.

       i'm so fucking disgusting, i'm repulsive, i'm nauseating to the human eye and i always thought that. when you kissed me back that day at the mini golf place and called me your boyfriend i thought "how could someone this beautiful call me, a piece of scum, her boyfriend?" you were out of my league. hell you're still way out of my league, amelia is out of my league, everyone is just so much nicer and better looking than me.

       i didn't mean what i did. i had sex with you because i wanted to. it was my virginity and i wanted to loose it to you and no one but you, i didn't do it because of the stupid bet, i forgot
about that stupid shit and remembered in the morning. i did it because i was in love with you and i'm still in love with you. amelia is amazing and beautiful but you, you're funny, you get me, you're ravishing, alluring, exquisite, and actually appealing to people walking the streets. people literally stopped and turned to look at us and whispered to each other about how beautiful that girl with the brown hair was. and i always agreed.

       i'm in love with you, i always will be. it sucks being without you. i hate it. seeing you happier with jeonghan than you were with me is killing me slowly. every time you kiss him i want to punch a damn wall, my blood boils and my heart breaks. then i remind myself i have amelia... then i remind myself that amelia isn't you.

       i like amelia, i really really do... but i'm not in love with amelia. i'm in love with a girl named roslyn. i fucked up, i fucked up so fucking bad. i lost you forever, the way you looked at me that day is a look i'll never forget. you hated me. you wanted to do more than slap me. you wanted to punch me, kick me where it hurt, kill me. you didn't want to see my disgusting face and rotten personality so i did what you wished and left support group for a couple weeks.

       i shouldn't have done that. i shouldn't have been a baby, i shouldn't have been a coward, i should've went to your house, talk to you and not hide away. i'm sorry. i'm so so fucking sorry for everything i did. i'm such a little fucking asshole. i want you to forgive me, i want you to tell me it's okay and hug me again, kiss me again but you won't even look into my eyes.

       maybe i should just do what everyone suggests and just die already.

       wow that felt good to write out. if life becomes too tough for you, call me and talk it out. i'll always listen, always.

love you forever
-your hansol xxx

-

vote, comment, share!💓

aweh they wrote letters to each other, it sucks they won't ever give it to each other or they won't ever read it... or will they🤔