Shades of Blue [h.v.c]

chapter 13

chapter thirteen
confession

november 7 2017

"and that's it for today's session." john dismissed. it's been about three weeks since hansol and i became official and the two of us have been inseparable after i had school and after support group. of course we would hang out with our friends and i would hang out with jeonghan and joshua time to time but all i would think about is him.

"hey so we still on for today?" jeonghan asked hansol. "i don't feel like hanging out with anyone today. i'm sorry." he apologized to the both of us. "what about you rose?" support group put me in a really bad mood today. i didn't want to hang out with anyone but one special person. "jeonghan i'm sorry, but i don't really feel like hanging out today." i apologized "why?" he asked and i sighed "i'm in a really bad mood."

"i really, really need to tell you something." jeonghan told me. "tell me later." i instructed and he sighed "okay, get home safe. text me if you need anything." jeonghan smiled sadly and walked towards joshua and seungcheol. "why don't you wanna hang today?" i asked hansol. "i just wanna go home and hang with sofia today. what about you?" he asked "oh my mom came back and i just really want to talk to her about a bunch of things." i admitted and he nodded.

"have fun with her." he said and i nodded. "tell sofia i said hi." i tell him and he smiled softly. "of course i will." he pressed his lips into mine and we parted ways. he walked outside and went in the car that was waiting outside for him.

i put on my jacket and quickly walk out before anyone could stop me. i walk down the streets of seoul, the air cold and foggy, the sky dark. december is approaching soon.

as i was walking down the street, i look to my left and see the cemetery. i sigh and walk through the entrance, ready to let out so many emotions i've been holding in for years.

i walk into the cemetery, looking for that one name on the beautiful tomb stone that had roses engraved on it.

i was looking at my adidas shoes while walking along the grass and bump into someone. "shit sorry." i apologized, looking up at the person. i come face to face with a petrified hansol. "rose?" he asked "hansol?" i asked back. "what are you doing here? i thought you were with sofia."

"i am just i thought i would pay my respects to my grandfather before i hang with her. what are you doing here?" he asked "oh um, my grandmas grave is here and i'm just here to visit." i tell him and he nods. "i could go with you if you want. you know, for comfort." i offered.

he nodded and lead me to the grave, cursing something under his breath. we walk through the cemetery and finally find the grave he was looking for. "this is it." he says taking in the tomb stone.

on the stone, i read 'sofia chwe' and my heart stops. his sister? why does that name sound so familiar? sofia chwe is right beside....

i look over at the grave beside sofias and curse to myself as i stare to the tomb stone.

"hana boe huh? this must be your grandma?" he asked, looking at the grave. "a loving mother and wife. love always, your husband, your son ryland and your daughter-" he stopped mid sentence. my eyes started to tear up. "roslyn." he finished the sentence.

"why didn't you tell me?" he asked me. "why didn't you tell me?" i asked back, motioning to sofia's grave. he sighed and sat on the grass in between the two graves. i sit beside him, looking at sofias grave.

'we love you always. love, mommy, daddy and hansol'

"i killed her, roslyn. if it wasn't for me, she wouldn't have ran into the streets and got hit. she went to the hospital right away and she woke up after a week. we thought she was going to be okay... but she died in her sleep. she fell asleep with me holding her hand, telling me to sing her a lullaby." he admitted.

"i visit her often. i remember one time so clearly. it was a saturday afternoon sophomore year, in november. i was sitting down, looking at my sisters grave and noticed the new grave beside hers... a girl and a boy walked into the cemetery in all black with their father carrying flowers, they walked up to the grave and all of them started crying once they read out the name. it's like it finally hit them, they woke up from their nightmare and it became reality... it was you and your brother."

i remember it so clearly now. i made eye contact with the boy beside me, both of us with tears in our eyes. i
never related to someone so much in my life before that day. the look on the boys face made me want to run over and just hug him, tell him everything was going to be okay.

"my mom got shot." i told him and his head snapped in my direction. "i told her to go to the store and get shoes for school. while she was in there, there was a robbery. he was going to shoot a child until my mom jumped in the way and saved the child along with his mother." i tell him, tears running down my face.

"it's my fault. my dad tells me not to blame myself but i can't help it. if i didn't tell her to go and get me something then she would be alive." i sniffed. "my brother was older. he was 17 and he had money saved. he told me he wanted to start over, somewhere new. so he packed his bags and left, i don't know where he is. my dad became angry and abusive but he loves me no matter what, i know that he does."

"so your guitar, the one with the initials h.b, is that your..." his voice trails off and i nod "it's my moms." i tell him. "she wanted to have a music career and she did for a while. she wrote original songs and preformed in little bars in our small town but then i was born and she had to do something more realistic."

"how did you get those bruises? when i walked in the first day and you had had bruises how did you get them?" he asked me and i sighed. "i was with joshua and jeonghan after the first session. we hung out in joshua's basement and i fell asleep on him. i woke up around 12 and it was past curfew. joshua drove me home and i walked up to my room and saw my dad waiting there. he saw me wearing joshua's sweat pants and sweater that he leant me cause i got caught in the rain but he took it as... you know. he got mad, really mad. he grabbed my moms guitar and hit me in the face with it, and right after smashed it on the floor. i don't know how he fixed it but he did."

"why didn't you tell me the truth? tell all of us the truth. we love you, you're our friend... you're my girlfriend you could've been honest with me. you know how much i like you why would you keep this stuff from me?" he asked, wiping away his tears.

"why didn't you tell me about sofia? i wouldn't have blamed you, i would've helped you." tears run down both of our faces, leaving our cheeks soaked. "i was scared. people in school, they blamed me. they called me psychotic, that i pushed my own sister in the middle of the street... i was scared if i told you, you would think the same." he admitted. he stares at his sisters grave while i stare at my moms.

he wraps his arm around my waist and i stare blank into space. "i want to die, hansol." i said. "no. no, babe. don't say that." he croaked out, turning his head towards me. "i hate living without her, without ryland. i hate being called a whore in school, i'm sick of the stares."

i turn to face him and he smashes his lips onto mine, kissing me gently. i kiss back, tasting the salt on his lips from him crying so much.

"i feel that way too, but you, you're keeping me happy. since i walked into support group and saw that beautiful bruised girl with her hood up i knew she would make me happy and she did. okay?" he asked me and i nodded. "be happy." he told me. "okay, i'll be happy. i promise."

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