Until I See You Again, Goodbye

I can't keep up

     Repeating apologies. Over and over and over again. That's all they had to say was sorry. It didn't make up for a thing. What did they have to be sorry about. Their sorry didn't bring her back. Nothing would. She'd always be a tangle in my brain, lost, and forced to wonder in my thought forever. Like a horrible dream I'm living it.

    Chocking on my own fears and regrets I stared at the man, who looked down to avoid my glazed gaze. The Office ladies sobbed and held their hands to their mouth as they watched me combust and fall apart. Nothing came out. Words, tears, nothing. The only thing I could do is internally fall apart as I tried to keep from screaming.

"It'll be okay. I'm sorry." They kept repeating it until it became a faded dull noise in my ear. Like the buzzing of a fly it became an annoying nonsense.

     Sound finally came, but no words. It was choking on the pain. I never felt so hopeless. Never wanted to give up as much as now.

     Gasping the office ladies hold my shoulder. The buzzing kept ringing in my ear. All their nonsense. I looked back, my eyes coming back faintly into the realism of the wickedly unfair world. The pain in my eyes surfaced bubbling hurt into all who looked into them. The Office ladies began to cry harder, as I realize I was crying too. I was wailing in pain. Let me join her. Let me join her.

      The time past slowly as I choked on my tears and making sound of dying birds. My eyes were red and puffy and my face was soaked in tears. I knew nothing, but of her death.

     Our last words. Surfacing the memory I could only cry harder. The last time we talked, there wasn't a goodbye. Only her frantically texting me. I left her in the dark. What if I could have saved her? I looked up trying to leave the darkness.

    "Can… I just walk around the hallways and the outside areas for pe." I closed my eyes pursing my lips. "If it'll make you feel better."

     At that moment I didn't say thanks I just walked off. Every time I closed my eyes I could see you on the other side. A dark oblivion and she was princess of the oblivion.

     I walked. More like ran away outside. I went into the grassy meadows the school had and lay flat under the large oak tree. I didn't know how much time passed, but my understandings would never die. I don't want to be here. I felt like I was at the edge of the world. Hollow and a tip of the wind would push me off the edge. I watched people walk outside for pe. I sobbed as people pointed at me. They waved smiling. I buried myself in the snow. I didn't want people seeing me like this. I was meant to be strong and be an influence to others. I hid under the blanketing cold snow. I wanted the cold. I let it embrace me until I was numb. I brushed the snow off my face and stared into the gray sky. Was she up there now? Is she watching this scene with eyes of golden tears?

     The sound of feet on snow grew louder. Someone thumped to the other side of the tree sighing. I Heard the movement of his fingers on his phone. There was then silence. I felt both of us were watching the sky. Hoping that pain would fade. At this moment we were both alone. No one to comfort us. Only the sickening silence that pushed me to borderline insanity. I let it fall, collapse. I failed to collect it. It was dark and miserable. My heart just shriveled. My eyes began to sting as I glared into the sky. They burnt as the universe screamed her name. The birds, the wind, it all made a lullaby. I wanted nothing more. I brushed of the snow. Making more snow then I thought. The person gasped and did a kinda scream. Turning I saw his face. Luke. I should of known it was him. No one else gets sad here. I wouldn't let him close enough to me. He'd only hurt me. Desert me. They eventually all did.

     "Tyler? Oh my, Where'd you come from?" I looked down unable to let him see me in this condition.

I gasped for air. "I, I was always here." My voice hushes quieter. "Under the snow." Luke nods. "uhuh." I could tell he wanted further information, but wasn't going to ask me. Don't ask, won't tell.

     "How come you had to leave to the office?" There it was. I thought about it before I broke out crying again. Luke taken back lifted my head up. "Did I step over my boundaries? I'm so so sorry if I did." He looks into my red swollen eyes. He didn't flinch. He just looked at me. "What's really going on."

     I choke on my tears. I couldn't tell him even if I wanted to. Nothing would come out as her face surfaced my memory. I couldn't handle the pain. "Tyler! What's wrong?" I sobbed and my head fell into his shoulder crying. He gasped completely shocked. He took me in embraced and hugged me. He stopped talking, didn't say a thing. My tears covered his shirt as he just smiled and held me tight.