The Insight Into My Life

It's not an excuse... it's just an explanation...

So... some of you have probably- ok- most definitely noticed that I have been increasingly inactive lately... I just want to say that, I'm sorry. I feel awful because I have been unable to post anything, not only on my Wattpad, but on my channel as well...

I have been stressed to the point that I'm starting to lose it again... This school year is going to be very difficult. Why do I say that? Because my work load this year is the highest it ever has been. I'm not only working on my hardest year of high school, but I also have two college courses. I've been so busy that I have barely been able to socialize at all, and that's something I don't do much already. Honestly, my social life has always been pretty shadowed by everything else, and personally, I didn't care. I liked my alone time! But lately, I have been so busy that I'm actually starting to miss human interaction- and I never thought I'd hear myself say that.

I don't know what to do anymore... I've also been having a few... well... depression issues lately... In class on Friday, I hurt myself. Now I didn't cut thank god, I never have. But I did scratch my arm till it bled. And I regret it. The guilt is unbearable... I promised that I wouldn't hurt myself ever again, and I haven't for 4 months... and now I feel such guilt...

I'm scared... I haven't felt such fear in so long, I don't know how I ever survived like this. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.

Which brings me to my next point. I have been... unable- I guess you could say, to hide my emotions. The one thing I always depended on. I've always feared of the situations that someone knew what I was truly feeling. My braveness is merely a defensive mechanism caused by fear. And if it works than I'm not scared anymore. But lately, it's been failing... and failing... and failing... and the more I fail, the harder it gets...

I've never felt the need for comfort, but these past weeks... my heart has been aching for some kind of relief of fear and anger. And for the first time ever, I'm not going to my parents for it...

On top of all that, the number one cause of this emotional pain is, well, me...

When I become emotionally weak or unstable... I start to beat my self up mentally... I say the cruelest things about myself...

If I just said something that I regret, my mind starts yelling at me...

You're worthless
You're stupid
No one likes you
No one wants you
You need to shut up
You're so evil
People look up to you! What are you doing? You are a monster!
You'd be better off gone
Why don't you ever learn!!?
You pathetic bitch!
You're only getting in others ways!
Why do you do these things?
Why do you do this to yourself?
This is all your fault!!

What is wrong with you??

Everything...

I miss the way things used to be... I miss people telling me that everything is going to be okay... that it's not my fault... that I'm needed... I'm crying as I type, because I just feel so alone...

I miss having someone to depend on... and it's either that I never get to see them because they are busy... or they just don't understand...

I'd kill for someone to tell me that they loved me, not because I'm brave, or because I'm nice, or because I'm pretty, or because we're just close, but because they care about me because they need me to be there for them...

I'm falling deeper into the darkness... and I don't know if anyone will even be able to do anything... I wish so much that I could escape reality... but it's hopeless... I won't even know if I'm any better off somewhere else...

I hate to bum everyone out... I just needed to send a call for help... so there you have it...

I'm sending out another SOS
Cause my head is such a mess...
Gonna lay down in the bed I made
Turn around and face the strange...

There are days I cannot find myself...
And no one offers any help...
Sending out another SOS
Cause my head is such a mess...

I only hope that someone can answer my call for help... cause I'm so lost and all alone...

     ~ Eclipse

PS. Lyrics by Goldfinger's "Don't Let Me Go"