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Prologue

I've dreaded this night ever since I found out about it.

My eyes flooded as they looked at the fine calligraphy printed under the face of my smiling best friend, gracing the textured paper that felt heavier and heavier the longer I held it. Gabriella. She looked so beautiful in this picture, radiating happiness and all things beautiful.

It wasn't until the phone rang when I finally released the invitation from my pinched fingers. I hadn't noticed how tightly I was pressing it between them, feeling the muscles relax.

"Hello?" I answered tentatively after viewing the caller ID. Gabriella.

"Sawyer," said the annoyed tone on the other end.

"Yes, G?" As much as I tried to hide it, I just knew the hesitant tone was heard on the other end, along with a distinguishable sniffle that only occurs after tears have been shed. I braced myself.

An annoyed sigh was my reply. "I know you don't want to go to this party, but it's my birthday. So get out of your knock-off Juicy Couture sweatsuit, put on some mascara, and come over!"

Before I could answer, she hung up, and I was left with the kitchen landline pressed to my ear and a dull dial tone mocking me.

She didn't understand. I've explained it to her a million times.It's not that I didn't want to go to my best friend's birthday party, because I did. So much. It's that I physically couldn't bring myself to leave the house. I just couldn't. I wanted so badly to be like her and to go out like a normal person, but to me, it seemed naive. She was so oblivious, going out all the time, befriending strangers in gas station parking lots, hanging onto the arm of a new boy every week. How did she do it? How does she not give a single care about what anybody thinks of her? How does she not worry about life?

My mind raced with the thought of all the infinite ways tonight could go wrong. What if I got into an accident while driving? Or even worse, what if I have a wardrobe mishap and embarrass myself in front of the whole school? The possibilities are endless, and that scares me. Maybe that's why I have an ongoing list of fears that never seems to end--the ocean, heights, tiny spaces, large crowds--just to name a few.

I could feel my heartbeat accelerating, intaking too much air in one breath and imbalancing what used to be calm, coordinated breathing, like my body was demanding itself to swallow the worry. I grabbed the countertop as gravity fought to pull me down, like it was uniting with my eyes to disturb my vision and flood it with tears. Somehow amidst the anxious thoughts crowding my mind, I could hear the familiar thoughts that have been carved in my mind for as long as I could remember. You're gonna make a fool of yourself at this party. You would be an idiot to go. You've been crying and everyone will notice and they'll make fun of you.

It took me the next twenty minutes to calm down. My hands were pink and numb and my knuckles white with terror from gripping ice I obtained after crawling to the freezer. It always takes a little bit of time, but holding onto ice always aids me in focusing on the present. As painful as it can be, at least I didn't feel like the walls were closing in and I was suffocating.

My shaking body remained on the cold tile as I tried to think of every valid excuse to not go to this party. I have a cold and I don't want to get anybody else sick. Or maybe my aunt grounded me for not doing my chores today. Maybe that could work.

I was just getting ready to text Gabriella when my phone buzzed Coincidentally, it was her. I hadn't realized I had a few messages from her previously. I guess you're paying attention to other things when you're having an attack.

8:04 pm: WHERE R U

8:19 pm: SAWYER ALEXANDRIA DEAN

8:23 pm: GUESS WHO JUST SHOWED UP

8:24 pm: BOSTON!! THAT'S WHO!!! YOU LOVE HIM!!! GET OVER HERE!!!

8:30 pm: if you aren't here in twenty minutes im coming over there myself

The groan was louder than I anticipated it to be. I should've known Boston was going to be there. I held my breath for as long as I could in an attempt to stop another attack from happening while I replied.

8:31 pm: i'll be there soon!

I dragged myself to my bedroom in a futile attempt to compose myself for what could be the worst night of my life. But then again, that could be any night.