Cherry Blossoms - a chanyeol story

Part Six

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Chanyeol stood in front of me, but I couldn't see him through the tears that clouded my vision. I could barely breathe, let alone think.

Of course he was enlisting soon. How had I forgotten? Time didn't stop for anyone, not even famous idols. I wrapped my arms around myself in a kind of hug, trying to stay warm even though I knew that was pointless. The cold I felt throughout my body wasn't the kind of cold that could be fixed.

My mind drifted back to the day I had accepted Jin's proposal.

What the hell was I thinking?

Why did I ever say yes? God, Jin had tried so hard; he had always put so much effort into being who he thought I needed. I felt a tear slowly drip down my cold cheek as I realized that I could never to back to the home we shared. I could never look at the walls he had carefully painted a robin's egg shade of blue, just because he knew I liked that color. We had spent the entire day laughing, clothes covered in paint as he made sure every inch of the walls were covered. He stayed up so late perfecting the walls that he had bags under his eyes and couldn't control his yawning. That day, I was so sure that I had finally found a life that would make me complete; a life that would heal the past and lead to a happy future.

I was so incredibly wrong.

Jin Woo had never done anything to deserve this; he had always done everything right. He had been so endlessly patient with me, so considerate, and all I had ever done was string him along so that I wouldn't have to be alone. But wouldn't being alone have been better than this?

I gazed at Chanyeol, an unreadable expression on his face. We had known each other for so long, and so deeply. I don't think anyone would ever know me as well as he did. Despite this, I had no idea what was running through his mind. This entire night, I hadn't bothered to ask him how he was feeling. I hadn't even asked about Minseok, who he had come down here to see. No, I was so damn selfish. I was too self-seeking to see how hard this was for Chanyeol. All I had thought about this entire day was myself. How difficult it was for me to see him; how much I had suffered without him the last few years; how much I hated hurting Jin Woo.

I still felt the buzz of soju coursing through my veins. Alcohol combined with pure exhaustion made my head feel fuzzy, and I couldn't think straight. I couldn't take my mind off of Jin, and I kept wondering where he was. I was dizzy, from the turmoil of the day, from anger I held with myself, and from being in the presence of the one I love.

I love Park Chanyeol. I am truly, madly, endlessly in love with him. I had been kidding myself when I had ended things with him and sent him away. I had compelled myself to feel things for Jin, when I had only ever seen him as a friend. A friend that I don't even have anymore. I knew from the moment I set eyes on Chanyeol today that once again, my world had changed. Whether for the better or the worse, I didn't know.

I sat down on the wet concrete, not caring if my clothes got dirty. I was hazily aware of Chanyeol sitting next to me, his eyes boring holes into the ground. Neither of us were ready to break the silence between us. I think the silence was the only thing holding me together right now.

But I had already been selfish enough tonight. What did it matter if I fell apart? What did I have to lose? Chanyeol wasn't mine, and I could pretend to be fine for one more night. I had been doing it for so long that it was second nature to me now. What I couldn't do was tell yet another lie. Denying what I felt, what I had felt almost my entire life, was the breaking point.

"Chanyeol... are you okay?"

He turned towards me with a start, as if he had forgotten who he was sitting next to. His eyes gazed deeply into mine, and they betrayed the sadness he kept locked deep inside. "I'm... confused. I don't know why you're here. I don't even know why I'm here. There's so little time, and there's still so much to talk about..." He hand slowly snaked around mine, and I felt the warmth from his skin spread through my body. This contact was too much, way too much, but I didn't dare break it.