The pain

My life having anxiety

When I was 5 I got the first stage of anxiety,
I would have anxiety attacks every week,
I was just so little and I didn't know how to deal with it,
I went to a psychologist and it still didn't work,
but after I got settled into school it went away and all was good intill year 1.

On my first day I had an bad anxiety attack when I got to school, the bell had just gone I was extremely lucky everyone was inside and that's when I knew I got it agin,
I felt like I wouldn't fit in, like I didn't belong and everyone would hate me,
I was an orange haired freakled face moron at least that's what I felt like,
I had lost two teath and they were my two middle top teeth,
I walked in the class with my head down and an unwanted smile on my face feeling complete shit I sat down next to my friend Alexandra and was so nervous that I felt like I was about to have a breakdown,
my body was shivering and felt like it was slowly melting,
than I met Rose and Eliwse my anxiety went away these were the people I thought would stay with me.

Year 2, I got the 2nd stage of anxiety I didn't know who I was metally my brain was everywhere, I had one friend with me Rose and she met new people I hung out with them for awhile until I met Eliza we were good friends and made perfume together,
Then she started hanging out with new people and I realised she was never my friend.
Then Rose started hanging out with me again,
Eliza was talking behind my back I felt like a toy that was just there to tear up this made get the 3rd stage of anxiety.

In year 3 I loved life I had amazing friends and I would of considered my self the duff,
I didn't care though I had friends and supportive people around me,
but reality hit me and I still had anxiety making me sleep late and eat heaps,
I gained heaps of weight and I guess that made me who I am,
but I still wasn't satisfied with myself.

Year 4 was the worst this is were I get deep,
in year 4 my friend Eliwse moved school so I had no friends and wasn't look at cause no one knew I was there,
I would sit on the curb just at the end of the playground people would kick bark at me and that made me feel invisible,
let's just say I was a loser I went through some hard core anxiety well that's what I thought,
I went to the doctor and told him how I felt he said it sounds like you have the 2nd stage of depression I wanted to kill my self,
I would grad the knife and give myself little cuts to remind myself that I'm a stupid and don't deserve to be alive,
One day this kid called Riley walked up and sat next to me, I
said "Why are you sitting to a loser like me" feeling like I was about to breakdown in tears,
he grabbed my shoulder I looked up at him,
a tears dropped from my pail face, he said "Your not a loser stop thinking that,
you can come play with Me, Carson, Tom, Kosta, Felix, Cody and Oscar.
I grow close relationships with these kids they would stand up for me and tell me everything is always going to be okay,
I new everyone really well and I felt like the two years me and these people where friend I could only trust Riley,
he talked to me about everything,
everyone thought he was a snob but he was a genuine guy probably the sweetest person I every met, I remember one time a girl ask me "Why do you play with boys" I replied "Why are ........." Riley jumps in and the girl jumps back and said "your only asking that question cause your jelly" he grabbed me and walked away,
I was so confused how that worked I would not be happy today if it wasn't for that guy,
year 4 was an up and down year,
I think it was probably one of my best years looking back on it now.
Year 5 was an up and down year it was mostly an up because I met new people and was myself and didn't care what anyone thought of me because of last year.
I met new friends called Amber and jade who where twins,
they where extremely nice girls and were respectful,
I also met a girl called Abbie she was so sweet and was my best friend.
That year I lost my year 4 friends and started a new group of friends and of course there was still Eliza who I hated but that year she didn't bother me 1 bit,
I felt on top of the world then after I lost my old friends I got a message,
this message messed with my brain,
I can not say this message cause it's fudged up and has a lot of swearing,
let's just say his name is T.G,
T.G was the the of person you thought was your friend with and you were never friends with,
He continued to cyber bullying me so I deleted my Instagram account and made a new one I blocked him from every Instagram account I had and till this day I don't even look at him,
The rest on the year was fine and I had a good time.
Year 6 I remember everything like it was yesterday,
Let's just say year 6 was a nightmare,
All my friends went to a new schools and I had no friends again and the Elisa came up to me and I started hanging out with new people,
Let me tell you one thing those people WERE NOT MY FRIENDS!
And again I did not know that they would manipulate me, tell on me and blame me for everything so I stop being friends with them and hung out with Ellie and Rose,
The guys are amazing people and supported me in every single way,
One day I was at oshc minding my own business and the kid yells " ITS SO SAD MISTER B DIED"
I went up to this kid and replied
"he's not dead and don't joke about that"
Then the oshc lady Kate came up to me and said
"Lola he pasted away on Saturday"
Tears filled my eyes and I just started balling my eyes out,
Mister B is my sisters best friends dad he was like an uncle to me he met me when I was around a day old,
He was extremely close to me and I thought they were lying but they weren't I walked in the classroom tears coming down my face with my head looking at the ground, my friends came over to comfort me but I didn't anyone to look at me,
Everyone expected Eliza and her little cringe friends they walked in to Rachel's classroom and Eliza said
"pretend like you crying"
To all of her snobby pig nosed friends,
That was the last straw I was about to go right up to her and punch her in the face but I managed my impulsivity and didn't but I can never ever forgive her for that,
A lot of teachers were supportive also because the knew how close I was to mister B, definitely the worst day of my life
Year 7
Year 7 was amazing and the best year of my life,
I met my life long friend Lily and found who I am as a person,
I was in Rachel's class personally my favourite year 7 teacher,
She's sweet, funny, kind respectful and just a good person,
In year 7 you can talk to everybody,
and you get along with a lot of people,
year 7 was a breakthrough Eliza left so no more snob,
my life was set I had good friends and nice people around me,
people I can laugh with and talk to.
I applied for Urrbrae agriculture high school,
I was extremely confident with my application and proud of my achievement,
And then I got told I wasn't accepted and my heart exploded,
My best friend got in,
and I'm extremely happy for her but,
I was just upset that I didn't get in.
It's ok though because I found the high school I will fit in to and I will belong there,
Anyway,
Year 7 was amazing we did all different things like dissect lamb brains, went to camp, aquatics, graduation and more,
I loved year 7 but I'm happy I went to high school cause I never want to go back to that school agin.