Mental || Larry Stylinson AU

Chapter Three

Many people say you can't get better if you don't help yourself. That you have to do it yourself, that all the people who say music saved them and/or a person truly just helped themselves by going to that music. I agree with it. But for some reason it doesn't help me much. I want to be better, I really do but I don't know how... everything I do always winds up to me cutting, burning or throwing up.

I sigh as I lean against my cold wall in my room as Harry fills out the sheet. He hasn't brought up what happened yesterday, lucky. But I have a feeling he will soon, he keeps eyeing me and opening his mouth like he's going to say something then ends up closing it. I still can't believe I broke down and cried. I showed him some of my weakness. Luckily, he hasn't seen it all, and hopefully he never will. I can't wait till this is all over, till it's the weekend, till he's caught up cause I can be alone again. Alone is what's meant for me, so I'll take it. I've always been taught to take what I deserve.

"There, done." Harry huffs and lays across my floor, sprawled out. I nod and sit up more, playing with my sleeves. He sighs and sits up, sitting beside me, way to close for my liking. I somewhat politely move away, leaving a foot between us. He frowns, making me feel bad.

"Why are you wearing long sleeves in the summer?" He asks, looking at my arms then up at me. I shrug.

"Cause it's conferrable." I lie like it's no big deal. i shouldn't have to lie, that's the thing. I really don't want to. I want to spill everything out to a person, but if I do, I'll get laughed at, left, made fun of or hurt. And I can't deal with that much more. Don't you ever get that feeling? That feeling when you wanna scream out your lungs but nothing's coming out? When you're drowning yet breathing? Because same.

"So... about yesterday..." He starts. Fuck. I knew this would happen. i mean, who would let that go anyways? Exactly. 

I look at him, "Yeah.. Uhm...I'm really sorry about that. I have no idea why I said those things and why I cried. I just- I was scared." I fumble with my words, looking at my hands, playing with my sleeves. I'm not good with lying, am I? 

"No, that's not it... I can tell there's something you're hiding." he says quietly. I stiff up a bit and a nervous chuckle leaves my mouth, "Well, isn't everyone hiding something?" I look at him, twisting his words a bit, trying to through him off. But it's true though, everyone is hiding something, weather it's bad nor good, someone, everywhere on this world is hiding one thing, or more.

"No, don't do that. I know what you're doing." He sighs and runs a hand through his hair, "I mean, you can trust me, I swear. Why did you want to get beat up?" He turn to me, his face is strictly serious.

"I told you, I deserve it." I say and look at him, no emotion in my words or face. I might as well be honest, lying is getting me nowhere.

"No, no, you don't deserve to feel pain." He sits up a bit and lies his head against the wall, still looking at me.

"If I don't deserve pain then why am I always in it?" My voice cracks as I swallow back the tears, looking away. Great, just fucking great. I'm breaking down again. I need to build my walls back up, it was nice when no one knew a thing about me. It was peaceful, only me and my sinful mind.

"Because some people are jack asses, they don't understand how beautiful life is and special so they like to ruin others and make them feel worthless, they like to take out their own pain and give it to others." He breathes out fluently like he's said these words a million times. I half smile and shake my head. 

"But you don't know what's gone on. I do deserve the pain I have, Harry. I've done so much shit, so much. Pain is like my best friend." I chuckle sickly and look down, forcing everything else I wanna say down my throat. 

"What do you mean?" he ask quietly. It seems like when he asks me about stuff like this he gets quiet and not cheeky. It's weird.

"I just- you know what? I shouldn't of said anything in the first place. It's stuff I need to keep to myself, it's stuff no one else should or wants to deal with or hear about." I look up at him and I force a smile. He shakes his head, thinking to himself.

Harry's POV:

There's something wrong with Louis, I can tell. There's reasons why he wears long clothes, there's reasons why he starts to shake when certain subjects are brought up. I bring them up to know and I found out when he starts to shake. I can tell, between his fake smiles that you can tell are forced and his anxiety, he's broken in a way. And I really want to find out why, I wanna be there for him... But he keeps pushing me away.

I need a way to gain his trust, to let him know that I'm not Zayn, or Josh, or Niall. I'm Harry. I'm just a guy on the football team, I'm just a guy who's struggling with grades, I'm just a guy. I want him to know he can open up to someone, he can vent to someone. But, like I said, his trust needs to be given. So that's my mission.

I know me and him only met like what? a week or two ago? I have no idea, but that doesn't mean I can't want to be there for someone? I guess I'm just that kind of person... I like helping others, it's something I've always want to do. I like seeing people happy, cause it makes me happy. Maybe I'm just weird.

Or maybe I'm just a good person with a bad past, wanting others to never go thought the same thing.

Louis' POV:

 Harry left after a while, when I gave him no answers. I don't want to be mean, I just- I really don't trust anyone at the moment. It's not my fault that my mind is screaming for me to tell someone before it gets worse yet my mouth wont move. It's not my fault that I'm scared of myself, of what's inside of me. It's like I got possessed one night and it hasen't left and is now controlling my life. It's not fair. I just want to know... is there anyone else out there struggling like me? Holding onto just a thin thread, about to cut it?

I mean, I use to love life so much. It was full of happiness when she was in my life, before everything crumbled down. But she knew what I was going through, she understands, she promised me it will get better. But when? 

She told me to never loose hope and keep moving forward, gaining some battle scars along the way, but if I don't move forward and just sit, waiting for happiness, then it will never come.

I sigh and wipe away the tears that have fallen from my eyes. I always cry when I think of her, she was my everything and I miss her. I miss her warm hugs, I miss her smile, and I miss how she would cheer me up.

I sniffle and shake my head, lifting up my sleeve, "I'm sorry, I gained so many more scars than I intended," My voice cracked at the end, my tears working like water-works, never ending. My skin is covered in white lines, some red. I never meant for any of this to happen. I never thought it would happen to be honest, I never thought that I, Louis Tomlinson, the one who was always smiles and laughs would be half dead.

UNEDITIED

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