Something Beautiful

Holding on

I wrote this while listening to Over My Head by The Fray.....& Greek Tragedy by The Wombats....I cried writing this...

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"Harry?" I call with my eyes still on my plate. I push around a broccoli stalk. I haven't eaten much for days. My stomachs been in knots for all week. Since I purchased the plane ticket on Sunday I've been planning how and when I'll tell him. I decided on today, Friday. Mainly, because my plane leaves tomorrow morning. I'm such a coward. After months of dating he deserves better than this, but it's all I can take.

My eyes well up with tears. I can't seem to speak but I know that I have to. I feel the tear as it falls down my cheek. I don't bother wiping it. I hope he didn't notice.

"Chels, what's wrong?" He leaves his seat from across the table and kneels beside me. He grabs both my hands, causing me to drop the fork. It falls from the side of the plate and hits the floor.

His hand cups my cheek with the tear stain and he wipes the trail it left away. This is why I'm sad, no I'm far worse than sad. I'm unhappy, desolate, miserable, tragic, depressed, all of the above.

"I'm not happy, Harry." My words are barely audible through my sobbing. When did I decide to cry?

"What do you mean?" He tries to wipe all of my tears away but they're coming down too fast. I can feel the escaped water hit my thighs.

"With us." The look on his face breaks my heart. He looks shocked, bombarded and disappointed with my answer. "I feel like I'm holding on to this idea of how I think we should be and we're not that idea." I cry more. His thumb continues to rub the bottom of my cheek.

"No one is meant to fit in a stencil of how things should be. The standard breaks people." His words turn to whispers.

"You're not getting it." I wipe a tear from my cheek in the most unladylike manner.

"No, I understand what you're saying. Is this about the long distance thing?"

"A little. You're gone a lot. We never really have alone time. When we do it's sex and sleep." He looks apologetic but amused. "I feel like we should be more than that after so long."

"What do I need to do"

"Give me space." His eyes somehow become more sad. It literally breaks me to muster the physical ability to say what I have to say next. "I'm going home."

"Home?" he looks surprised again. "Why? I'll do anything. I won't do the next few weeks of the tour."

"Harry, I would never ask you to do that, nor would I want you to. It'll be fine." I'm lying to myself. More importantly I'm lying to him. I don't know if it will be fine or not. I don't know how this will end. I don't know if it will end. I hope not.

His eyes become glossy, and I think unintentionally a tear falls from both eyes. I take my thumbs and wipe them away. I keep my hands around his face.

"I love you so much." It's such a quiet confession I wonder if I actually said it or not.

His head falls into my chest and a sniffle comes from his chest and my heart aches to the very depths of itself.

"Please?" He cries.

"Oh, God." I cry harder shaking my head no. If I didn't believe in every fiber of my being that was designated for him that this is the right thing to do, I wouldn't have even considered it.

"When?" He pulls away from my chest his face wet, his nose and eyes red, lips puffy.

With blurry vision and the memory of his face, just now, echoing in my thoughts I glance at the clock. "9 hours." I look back to him memorizing the face that I already know.

"Are you leaving now?" There's something else behind his eyes now and after having memorized it as sad i see it. Anger.

"Don't be mad." I plead.

"I'm not." He's lying but I don't feel like arguing. "Why didn't you say something?"

"About being unhappy?"

"About it all." He asks. His face confused but still angry.

"I didn't know how." I start crying again. As if I ever stopped.

"I hope that this is what helps." He stands. The heat of him leaving immediately. It's automatically something I miss. "I love you." He leans down kissing me on my forehead for a long time. And just like that he leaves.

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*insert Kim Kardashian cry face*