14th Jun 2017
Captains log...flies everywhere.. I repeat flies everywhere....didn't know how else to start this. Well here begins the tale of my not so glamorous, not so charming pretty basic life. It's literally 4.30 am right now and here I am sitting on this dirty ass, old ass, hard ass, wooden floor in my baggy ass hoody and my favourite faded to fuck worn out purple Adidas bottoms in front of my laptop while my brothers are sleeping not so soundly I might add. Well the obvious question to ask might be well you know what the fuck are you doing awake at this time? I mean all the sensible and normal human beings I have encountered in this life are usually well asleep by now granted they haven't been out all-night partying or drinking or you know hanging out with friends. It should be noted that I have partaken in none of the above activities but yikes here I am. So sad. It's even sadder that this has become a pretty regular occurrence for me, these days sleep doesn't come easy, and when it does I fight it subconsciously. I actually prefer sleeping during the day now there's just something soothing and calming about it. Falling asleep to background noise actually lets me rest easy, almost like I know I'm safe cause should in case the mothafucking boogie man decide to jump up in this bitch, I know for sure, I ain't getting my ass killed first, you get me.
There really is no plan or motive behind my writing this, I couldn't sleep and thought fuck it imma bout to be an author today bitch. Get my shit published and get that coin ha you already know. Ooh since we're getting to know each other a little bit better might I add that I often and when I say often I do mean every other fucking day have a new dream. I mean I see some shit I'm interested in doing and I'm like I know I could do that, like if my life was set up that way of course and if I had done this instead of that back then or maybe went to this extracurricular instead of that or maybe even did extra curricular's at all, then maybe you know, that could be me too. And then I think bitch but think about the Taraji's killing the game. My girl started doing this shit late and with a child nevertheless and she's killing it, like slaying my life, like just take my wig girl you don't even need to snatch it I gotchu cornrows AND what. But it's hard not to let yourself think that her situation doesn't just happen to ordinary people. I mean it's like one in a million you know, at least that's what I constantly talk myself into believing and so my dreams are crushed before I even allow them to flourish. Yes, I knock myself down a lot. I tell myself I won't be able to succeed at things I've never even tried doing because I've concluded I won't be good at it, I won't know how to be good at it and even if I do learn how to be good at it, that the outcome will be shitty anyway and I won't enjoy it. It's rough having negating thoughts cause while I'm thinking these things I'm also thinking dang I wish I wasn't thinking these things and then I think wow if I wasn't thinking these things imagine how much shit I could have done by now if I had actually let my positive thoughts flourish and not automatically overthink everything to the point of no return. Big sigh, little sigh, big sigh, sips tea. Or in my case Tesco sparkling water...every day value bitches you better save your money.
Anyway, yeah, another thing you should probably know about me since we're sharing and all is that I get distracted so easily, like my attention span actually, worries me. Writing this my mind has drifted off once every two sentences but then again you wouldn't know just take my word for it. My ass is so fucking numb right now but moving to the bed means having to smell the remnants of whatever my brother has been cooking for the last 2 months and my other brother moaning like a fucking retard in his sleep on the top bunk, bitch directly above me, I can't deal, I can't deal, somebody hold me. And laughing, who the fuck does that, when I tell you I literally cannot, it takes everything in me to restrain myself from slapping the shit out of him because it boils my blood so much. Again, you see why I prefer sleeping during the day. Oh, reminder I really need to get fucking headphones, if I can't drown the smell out I might as well save myself from having to listen to this noisy sleeping bullshit. It's 5.18am now. Been doing this for like an hour now, see right now I feel like this author thing isn't so bad, I mean basically all I have to do is type one or two of these a day join them together bitch I've written a whole book in my head, literally just now.
But this isn't a normal book is it, cause I'm talking directly to you, so surely this isn't fiction, it might be an auto biography but I don't know if I want this to be me talking to you as me or me just talking to you not addressing the fact that it is me. I know what I mean but I don't know if what I mean makes sense, anyway there's plenty of time to sort that out before we start printing. I know we're still getting to know each other and this is still considered the awkward stage even though to me if feels like I've been talking to you for an hour, for you it's probably only been 6 minutes, weird af. Anyway, note that, no I am not that naïve and yes I do understand the concept of time and hard work, dedication all that crap but because of how much I overthink things I've pretty much done and struggled through all that already in my head for the last 30 minutes and now we've reached the printing/publishing stage, but hey it's only a matter of time before my thoughts circle back and I talk myself out of being a successful or unsuccessful author before I even have a chance at remotely pursuing this pop shop dream and delete this entire captains log like nothing ever happened. But for now, since I haven't circled back, ending it here might be the best option and hopefully I'm filled with this much anger, uncertainty and enthusiasm tomorrow. Until then, bye bitches.
-JessRu
