Just Live For Me

Yell It Out

October 7, 2012

Dear Diary,

         I got into my first fight with Jake today. I mean we’ve had small fights, but nothing like this. We went to the mall today at like 11ish. When I got to his house it was the usual situation. His mom was obsessing about him and saying he needed to text her every half hour (he didn’t) and lots of stuff like that. Eventually we got out of there, but seriously she’s really getting on my nerves. Anyway, I didn’t trust Jake to drive us to the mall since I was really afraid he was going to faint. Since Friday we haven’t talked about his eating, but I think we both know he needs help about it. Actually that’s what we were fighting about. When we got to the mall we went to a small restaurant in it for lunch. When we got there all he ordered was a coke. I sat there offering him some of my salad for about tem minutes, but he wasn’t going to eat. It wasn’t like he was refusing to eat; it was more like he was just ignoring the fact that there was food to be eaten. In a way I kinda feel like it’s his own little way of attempting suicide again. I know he doesn’t mean to. He’s made a lot of progress in the drinking and smoking department, but he just can’t seem to work past the little part of him telling him to end it all. No matter how much he says he wants to live for me, as long as Kevin is still there to remind him of his flaws no amount of therapy can stop him from his self induced pain.

         However, knowing that didn’t mean I was going to stand by and let him hurt himself again. So I yelled at him. For the first time in our whole relationship I actually yelled at him. I stood up and yelled at him. I never expected myself to ever do something like that to him. I think I scared myself, because when I’d finished I just walked out. I was going to fall to my knees for forgiveness otherwise, and I couldn’t show weakness. Not then.

         He followed me out of the restaurant (we paid in advance), but I ignored him. But he’s tall and has long legs; so it didn’t take him long to catch up to me. Then he did something I thought he’d never do. He yelled at me… In the middle of a crowded mall… He yelled at me. He yelled at me for everything I’d every done. For embarrassing him in the restaurant, for telling my friends about him, for causing a scene on Friday… then he went to far… he yelled at me for budding into his life. I couldn’t keep in the rage I felt. I yelled at him for everything he’d done. I told him how I really felt. That I feel so bad for him. That I want nothing more than for him to be okay, and to live a normal life again… but how could he possibly do that when he was constantly tearing himself down? I was doing everything I was to help him. I cried myself to sleep at night for him. I’d do anything. He says he’d die for me, but I would NEVER let him. I told him I’d jump in front of his own bullet. I told him I’d switch places with him, if it meant he’d be all right… But if he didn’t want me budding into his life… then I hope that he’s smart enough to fix his own mistakes… because next time… there will be no one to call 911, when he fucks up…

         That shut him up pretty quick. That mixed with all the weird stares we were getting. Now that I think about it, I think I blurted out his secret in front of about 100 people… fuck… what have I done? It’s not his fault! I just fucking yelled at my boyfriend for something he can’t help! I told him I wouldn’t save him next time! I ruined his life! I left him in the mall without a car, in a crowd of people who watched him yell at his girlfriend... well… maybe ex-girlfriend… Oh my god… I fucked up big time…