In Spades

Chapter 1-The past melding into the present

Four and a half years had gone by since the death of my abusive and tormented father. I could try and tell you that I wasn't upset by the loss, but sadly I was. I woke up in the hospital a couple of days after with a bad concussion and several broken bones. My body suffered tiny cuts all over where the mirror had taken the first couple layers of skin off.

I found out news that my father had committed suicide, slitting his own throat. He had been found with the knife lying by his lifeless body. The details of that horrific night would forever haunt me. The cops came into my hospital room to take my statement and tell me how lucky I was to have survived such a brutal beating. I wouldn't exactly consider myself lucky. Luck was useless. The only thing I was grateful for out of the whole ordeal was the life of my six-month-old baby sister, Abby. He had left her unharmed, lying in her crib. Abby didn't even cry. The police informed me that my mother's body was nowhere to be found. They tried searching for it or any clues to what could have possibly happened, but they had no luck. Eventually, the case ran cold and it was assumed that he had killed her before the police were able to arrive. He must have hidden the body somewhere out in the woods before taking his own life.

We lived out in the country and it always took longer for police and paramedics to arrive at our home. We had a couple of close neighbors on our little dead-end street, but nobody that was ever willing to get involved in all the drama that surrounded our home. They would rather turn a blind eye than get involved and potentially put their own lives at risk. There was no point to being resentful toward any of them, what's done was done.

The police let me know that my little sister had been placed in foster care. I worked my ass off as soon as I was well enough. I got my degree and won custody of Abby. All my hard work had finally paid off and I thanked the lord above. I had an opportunity to give her hope. I felt compelled to give her a normal home with someone that loved her unconditionally, for the good and the bad. It was a long-fought battle, but well worth the end result.

I was now twenty-two-years-old and working as a bartender by night, and a kindergarten teacher and Mommy by day. I was raising a five-year-old, blue-eyed beauty, and she was full of energy. My life had not been all rainbows and butterflies, but I was surviving the best that I could and making life worthwhile for the other half of my heart.

Abby had taken easily to calling me her Mommy and I didn't mind a bit. She was my whole world.

Abby was diagnosed with Autism at the ripe age of four. That also happened to be the same time that I had finally proven myself to the courts to be worthy to become Abby's legal guardian, her mother. My mom had been missing at this point for three years and all the detectives on her case had given up.

All her assets, including the home that I had suffered in during my adolescent years, were released to me. My mother and father had no known immediate family. We had lost touch with our relatives over the years. When my dad had risen to his worst level, he cut my mother off from all association with family and friends, keeping her to me only and the home that we lived in. He didn't want her to get any ideas on leaving him or finding a better life for us. He kept her trapped. He kept her scared.

I immediately sold the house and put the profit into savings for Abby. We moved into a quaint two-bedroom townhome instead, and we absolutely loved it. Keeping the house was not even an option for me. It was filled with too many unwanted memories and although Abby was too young to remember much of the incident, I wanted to start fresh and give her the childhood I was never able to have.

We moved to the small, but amazing town of Ida, Michigan. Ida schools had specialized in children with disabilities. After many recommendations and meetings with the teachers and principal of the school, I decided it would be the best fit for Abby. I wanted to start off her school career on the right path and make sure that she received the care and help she needed. After all the custody paperwork was signed and the house was settled, we packed up and moved. Never taking a backward glance at the childhood memories I had left behind or the people that never made it a point to help me. Whether it was out of fear or just plain ignorance, I'll never know. The only person I had was Abby and I was all right with that.

I would never regret having run away from home at seventeen-years-old, finally deciding that I could no longer physically or emotionally take the abuse that was being doled upon me daily. My mother had become a shell of a person, only going to and from work at the local dairy mart and never really living. She had refused to leave my father, in fear I'm guessing and I had to make that decision on my own. I lived in homeless shelters until I finally graduated high school and set out earning my teaching degree. It was around that time when the incident occurred. I didn't run away very far from my folks as I always felt some responsibility to be near and make sure that they were doing as well as they possibly could.

I didn't have to like them, but I would always love them. They were mine and I couldn't replace them. I had heard through the grapevine that my mother had given birth to a little girl and that's when I decided to take matters into my own hands, a day that I will never forget. Well, you already know what occurred after that, and I am not trying to relive the same events. It is almost impossible for simple noises, smells, and sounds to not take me back to the place I feared the most.

I was ecstatic at getting a position at Ida Elementary School. It worked out well, as Abby would be attending school there at the beginning of the year, also. I quickly made friends with the staff and loved the calming atmosphere. I was excited to have a career where I could support Abby and myself, as well as a comfort zone/haven for her and myself. I tried to be thankful every day for the good things that were being dished my way and I hoped that the bad karma was long gone. Abby was more than ready to begin school and was so happy about moving to an exciting new place.

Abby understood I was her older sister and not her birth mother. I never kept that a secret from her, but she still chose to call me Mommy. I was all she knew and I had become okay with that. The way she addressed me only added to my deep sense of pride and need to make the best life for her as humanly possible. I still told her stories of our mother and father, leaving out all the bad and talking about the personality traits that we could be proud of. I told Abby stories portraying them to be like the heroic princes and princesses that she loved hearing about in the fairytale books. Abby was too young to remember the incident and never questioned the jagged scars that littered my body. She was so young and innocent and I wanted to keep it that way. Abby deserved to have a happy and healthy childhood. I didn't want to tarnish her thoughts on why we were in the situation we were in. I wanted her to take our relationship as a positive thing, a normal thing. I hated to play the victim, I knew what a strong woman I was becoming in the wake of what happened. But I was still weak in a lot of ways.

I am not the hero in this story. Abby saved me, not the other way around. She was the reason that I fought to live every single day. I struggled to get a grip on my intense mood swings and horribly painful flashbacks. If it weren't for the responsibility of taking care of Abby and loving her with all that I had, I would have given up long ago. She was my only reason for being; until I met him. He brought a whole new meaning to my life; one that could not be fulfilled by anybody else. He changed the way that I viewed myself and threw my pre-planned life out the window. He shocked my system and gave my heart the jump-start it needed. I am now a firm believer in the phrase, "Rather to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."

Simple but true. This is a story of love, heartbreak and everything in between. This story has it all—in spades.