Trials and Tribulations

Chapter 3

Jade's POV

I couldn't believe what I'd just done. I'd never once lost my temper like that with the girls, and the worst of it is, I knew the were just being kind. I felt awful.

It was at that point I realised that what I was doing to myself wasn't only going to effect me, it would effect everyone around me. I couldn't do that to my family and friends, not again. Not after seeing how much it effected them last time.

Pacing up and down my room, trying to figure out a way to clear up the mess I'd made, the voice in my head kept whispering things that were keeping me from being rational. I didn't know who to listen to anymore, myself or the demon inside of me.

This voice, this 'demon', has been an old friend of mine for many years. We first became buddies a long time ago, back when I was a young girl. The lies he fed me made me feel in control of my life in a time where everything was a mess. My grandpa had just passed and the bullying at school was getting worse and worse. Listening to this voice seemed to be the only way out; doing what it told me to do was the only way to gain a bit of control over myself. But, I was delusional. I couldn't see things for what they were; a hot mess. Starving myself was in fact making everything around me, including myself, spiral out of control completely.

After a few years, I managed to bid farewell to my old friend, and vowed I'd never see him again, for the sake of my family and friends; I couldn't do that to them again. Yet, here I was. He was back, and slowly making himself comfortable whilst feeding me lies and making me do things I knew weren't right; but at this point, I found myself not really caring. I was quickly falling under his control and after my outburst at breakfast, I was scared.

The truth is, I was tired. Not just physically, but mentally. Having to fight with a voice in your head, day after day, telling you what to eat and how much to eat and how much to exercise, it's exhausting. I'd done well hiding it for months, up until now. Touring was taking it's toll. Having to stand on stage almost every night with nothing but a mere leotard hiding your biggest insecurities was torture. After so long keeping it a secret, I was starting to crack under the pressure of pretending everything was alright. I was stupid enough to let my guard down here and there and I think the girls were beginning to question, evident through this morning's breakfast antics.

"That breakfast wasn't in your plan was it? You shouldn't have even gone near it."

I continued pacing, stopping in front of the mirror.

"Look at yourself, no where near skinny enough."

"No wonder no one likes you any more, you're no where near a good enough friend."

His snarly comments carried on and on and on for what seemed like forever, yet all the time spent pacing the floor of my hotel room, I was absent-mindedly thinking of the calories I was burning.

I somehow found my way back to the mirror time and time again. I stood in front of it, analysing every single tiny detail. It was painful, every time I did it, my eyes filled with tears. Yet for some reason, I was addicted. I couldn't stop. It was the same with the bathroom scales. Addicted to the point where I'd gone out and bought some in an Australian drug store because my hotel room didn't have a set. I knew it wasn't healthy, none of what I was doing was, but I couldn't stop myself.

At this point, the demon's voice was starting to overpower my own mind. As I sat on the end on my bed, trembling and crying, for some reason, whatever bit of sense I had left in me told me one thing. "Get help, before it's too late."

The next thing I knew, my feet were carrying me out of my hotel room and down the corridor, where I found myself stopping outside of Perrie's door. It was now or never.

As I stood fighting with my inner self on whether I should knock or just walk away, I heard my name from down the corridor.

"Jade?" It was Perrie, along with Jesy and Leigh-anne.

I didn't respond, in fear that the lump in my throat might choke me if I decided to speak. Watching as they came closer and closer to me from down the hallway, I had to use every bit of sanity and control over myself I had left in order to stop myself from running away there and then.

"You alright?" Jesy asked, concern lacing her voice.

Shaking my head, I drew up all the courage I could muster. "Please help me."