The relationship I've had with you isn't like the one I had with Tyler. We don't dote over each other as much, learn languages or lifestyles for each other, or most of the things Ty and I did. What they and I had together was clearly special to me, but what you and I have is special to me too.
It's horribly imperfect, to put it bluntly. I used to be more loving and less self conscious than this. You've caught me at my worst possible time and yet you put up with me, love me.
I do these shit things to our relationship. This is either because I want to beat people to the punch to leaving me, or (the primary reason) I'm terrified of hurting you. The funniest thing is how I end up hurting you more when I try to avoid it most.
You deserve so much, Leah. The very least I want to do for you is give you my best, but I just can't seem to do that.
You're so beautiful and kind, I'm sorry for giving you another unstable relationship and partner. I'm sorry you've been forced to be the strong one for us both. I'm sorry if you feel under appreciated, unloved.
I don't know if I'm going to post this anytime soon, or at all. This post was originally made 9/01. If I'm talking to you at all, I've either told you that I went on a trip to a farm or have been struggling with suicidal tendencies. I never went to a farm.
What happened with that situation was that I'd planned to meet up with the farm girl, but I've been ignoring her. I've been ignoring everyone. I'm just trying to become No one, yknow?
I keep thinking about how you and I could've had a normal relationship. I could have been wonderful to you and kept in touch with your friends. Like a normal, happy relationship. It really could have been nice.
Then I kinda just look at what I've done to stray away from every chance of that happening. I just think about how everything's gone so wrong and how this isn't what I want to give you. It isn't good enough.
Yet you still talk to me with so much love and you genuinely care for me, regardless of how everything keeps going down hill. It hurts to see you love me after everything I've put you through. I feel like the second you get out of a pit of quicksand, I lead you to another one. It's unfair.
You've told me before that we can get through this—that you don't deserve me at my best if you can't handle my worst—but I don't know how to give you my best.
I'm not saying that I want to leave you, I love you. I mean that- I do. I love you more than the farm girl, Luna, Maxie, Tyler, or anyone. So far I've been trying to avoid anything that'll pressure you into staying with me, but I'd like for you to know that.
If you've moved onto someone else by now, I'm happy for you. Currently for me it hasn't been too long (?), but this has got to be the last straw by now. Putting aside how selfishly jealous I got, that other guy seemed really nice. I can see you having a good relationship with him.
If I post this now, lots of things could happen. We could go back to how we were- not in the good way. Then there's a chance that you've coped and moved on already. It's been, like, two weeks now? Three? So there's a good chance you'll finally put your foot down to all of this.
Who can blame you? I've been pulling and tugging at your heart 'nd psyche for so long now. It must be so tiring.
If I post it later on, you'll probably move on. You'd probably tell me that if I had posted this sooner- we could have fixed this. Maybe that's just my fears talking, but that seems most likely. Seems like the only thing that'd happen really.
If I do post this now and we decide to fix it; how would I talk to you? To avoid this or to avoid hurting you, I mean. Most though, I want to talk to you like a good boyfriend. I feel like at this point I only know how to be an emotional abuser. I want to change.
