falling

Untitled Part

Growing up as a kid I thought love was all about hugs and kissing and making each other happy. Once I turned 4 I started to realize what my life started to turn out towards. My mom was a smoker and my father I didn't really know what he was because he walked out of my life since the fight he had between him and my mom. He said that he didn't give a fuck about me or my sisters or brothers. My father i didn't even consider him as my dad because of what he has done. I thought my mom was the best thing in the world but then I realized at the age of 5 who she really is. When my mom and father got into a fight my dad walked out of the house and he never came back home. So I had to go live with my grandma and uncle.

I still remember that day everything went downhill. My mom, i thought she would never do this but she was hurting my brother.. my life flashed before my eyes and it turned out that I had a gun pointed to my head and I wasn't scared at all.. i told her " go ahead.. im ready to go.." she stepped back and calmed down and said she was so fucking sorry, honestly that time I did believe her but what she did hurt me badly. Trying to hold on it just got worse and worse to the point were my grandma kicked my mom out along with us kids. My mom decided to do something stupid and get locked up. I had no family at the age of 8 because they didn't want to have anything to do with my mother or us kids because she had us in her custody, so I had to try and find a way to support my brothers and sisters. three months after she got locked up she got out of jail and she just got worse and worse.

At the age of nine I started self harming because I just wanted to give up on life because I couldnt take the abuse anymore. when i went to school i got bullied all the time because everyone saw my scars. also at that time I was overweight but now I weigh less. I started to try and get my brothers and sisters out of the situation that we were all in because I loved them all to death. I had older brothers and sisters but they weren't around to help.

The first time I felt pain like actual pain to the point were you just don't want to eat was when my sister Jessica took her own life because she went through severe depression like I have now. she died when i was 12. just going to the funeral just to see her go to heaven hurt so damn much but I knew she was in good hands. walking away from the grave yard I felt like she was around me but I knew she wasn't. The only thing I know is that she is a beautiful angel up in heaven.

I just want to get this out now that way you guys now my sexuality. i am lesbian and i am proud of it. I have a love story I want to put in this story and basically i will make another story about how my afterlife was with another girl i was in love with.

so it all started out in mid august when i was 14. Where I lived at, i was allowed to drive as long as I had my permit. I was driving downtown to go look around. i got out of my truck and started walking. looking behind me I saw this girl staring at me and smiling. hell at first sight I fell in love. I had the guts to talk to her. i asked her if she would like to go get food with me and she said she would love to. her name was chloe. when we talked to each other little did I know she had scars all over her. i showed her my scars and I said " we have scars, we can heal each other, if we have each other I promise i will always love you and never let go of you because our pieces need fixed and I promise i will fix your pieces.. i will go through hell with you, as long as you are with me you are safe. let me hold your hand and I promise i will love you forever."

Love is love. keeping someone in your life that you would die for is a blessing. ever since ive been with chloe i always went to her therapy appointments because she felt safe when I went with her. little did I know what she was scared of was her father.. her father would abuse her and sexually abuse her, after that therapy session i took her somewhere safe so we could talk because I didn't want the love of my life get treated like that. I took her to the property up in crumstown. it was a peaceful place to go because there was about 30 acers of land. what i did with that land was make a cabin that was more like a house because it had air conditioning and everything like that, it had a lake and woods.

Chloe started telling me why she didn't tell me about her father. she said she didn't want me to leave her if she told me. i told her this " babygirl i would never leave you because of that. I want my baby to be safe. i will make sure he never hurts you again. my job is to make sure you are happy,loved, cared for, and safe. as long as you are with me i will make sure nothing happens to you. babygirl to you my heart I surrender, that means you have all of my love. I love you so much i don't want anything to happen to my princess, if something happens to my princess what am i anymore? I'm just a person who is falling apart then babygirl..."

After that talk I kept my promise and then thats when everything fell apart. when fourth of july came around she seemed to be different but she kept saying she was fine. I took her to the property to see fireworks that I bought, I swear that was the last best day I had with her.. me and her cuddled up on top of my old chevy truck that is now shit because it wont start but back then it worked. I loved how she laid her head on my chest. she just made me feel loved. the fireworks lasted for an hour or two. me and her fell asleep in the truck and we both woke up and went to the cabin to go eat breakfast.

My life changed three months after that day. i went to spend the night with her at her house, she seemed fine to me but she acted like she was stoned or something. i was getting ready to go lay down and she said she would be right back because she had to use the bathroom. she really didn't have to use the bathroom.. I saw her bawling her eyes out and she walked in the bedroom with a gun.. she said " babe I love you.. i want to be free... i don't want to be alive anymore.. I cant take the pain.. I'm so sorry.." I tried to take the gun away from her.. but it was too late.. she already had that silver bullet through her.. I tried to save her but it didn't work... she was gone.. the one i said I would always keep her safe and promise that I wouldn't let anything happen to her died.. I picked up a pill bottle and took all those pills and laid next to her crying.. next thing i knew I passed out.. I woke up and thought it was just a dream.. turned out it wasn't.. ever since that day I have been falling apart..