"No, you don't understand what it's like," I say to my guyfriend over the phone.
"Of course I do, just calm down and breathe. There's nothing to worry about. It's just an audition."
"No, it's not just that." I take a deep breath. "Let me explain.
"Imagine waking up in a dark room. You're alone and bound to a chair with your mouth taped and your hands and feet tied. You don't know how you got in there and you start to panic because you feel trapped. The darkness is closing in on you and your heart starts to race. You start to sweat and feel feverish. You want to vomit but you can't because your mouth is gagged. Your mind thinks of every little thing that could go wrong.
"Suddenly, you feel hot breath at your ear and your heart nearly stops in fear. A being is behind you. You can't see them. You can only hear and feel them. This person resonates negativity, like the devil himself is filling the room. They smell like fear. They whisper to you in a hissing voice, like Parseltongue, except you can understand it.
You sit there for agonizing minutes as the mysterious being whispers to you. They whisper about your self esteem, how ugly you are, how you'll never live, how everyone hates you, how no one will ever love you, how you don't belong in this situation, how much you'll mess up. And all you can do is listen.
"Tears stream down your face as you try to muster the willpower to figure your way out of the situation, but the being paralyzes your thoughts like a rabbit paralyzed in fear-which is basically what you are, right?
"After minutes and minutes, the being forces something to your nose that you no choice but to inhale. You black out again and wake up somewhere else, like nothing ever happened."
"Oh my gosh," my guyfriend says, interrupting me. "Is it like that all the time?"
"No, not all the time," I say. "I was just about to get to that."
"So," I continue. "Sometimes, you wake up in that room and remember you've been there before. You know what will happen to you if you don't get out quickly. But you're limbs are tied and your mouth is gagged, remember? What can you do?
"Well, if you slow your breathing and calm your racing heart, you realize that the ropes binding your wrists aren't as tight as you thought they were; that if you suck in your breath enough and wiggle, you can slip out of them.
"You do just that and bend over to untie your feet. You then hear a door open and footsteps coming toward your chair. You jump up and run blindly. You know from past experiences that this being is stronger than you, so you know flight is smarter than fight.
"You hit a wall and slide your hands across it until you find a door frame. Grasping for the knob, you open it just as the figure finds you. You whip the door open and run. Bright light fills your eyes and you rip off the tape gagging your mouth, sucking in sweet, fresh air. It feels like you've just broken the surface of a lake after diving to the bottom. You gasp as you run into freedom. You feel as if your eyes have been open up to the world again, and you're filled when joy when you realize that you've escaped the enemy." I take a few breaths as I finish. At first, I think my guyfriend has hung up or fallen asleep, because there is silence at the end of the line.
"So...that's what it's like?" he asks in astonishment, causing me to jump. "I had no idea-that's what you go through!?"
"Yes," I say. "I can't really help it and I hate it, but I'm try to work on it and they are less frequent and getting better."
"That's good."
I sigh in relief as we change the subject. I start feeling more confident about my audition now that someone has an idea of what I'm going through. At least now, I won't feel so alone.
Hey guys! I wrote this entry for a writing contest hosted by hannahsue-- . This may sound weird, but this is what I feel like when I have a panic attack. It was the best way for me to describe it. So, if you know someone who gets these, please support them and let them know that they're not alone! Thank you!
Rey.
