Was This Meant To Be?

Chapter 6: The Fifth Discussion - Acceptance

I gaze at the cars and stores that pass by. I feel the warmth of Charlie's body. I can feel his breath on my neck and I don't attempt to glance at him. I'm afraid we might lock eyes and stay like that for a moment. But for some reason I get this urge to want to look at his eyes. I have this intuition that when I look at him it wouldn't do anything bad to me but I guess it will bring joy and hope.

I turn away from the bus window and lean my head on his shoulder. Charlie's sigh implies that he is awake. I was so deep in thought that he had to catch my attention thrice.

"Paige..." He repeated for the third time.

"I'm sorry?" I apologize.

"I was thinking that maybe the two of us can share our experiences or thoughts about acceptance." He suggested. A small smile forms in my face. I was excited to hear from Charlie. I expect something esoteric from him. An opinion that is different. That is mysterious. New.

He starts with a childhood experience.

"I was kind of a happy go lucky person when I was young. People mistakenly thought that I had no problems when I was a teenager. Everbody thought of me as a joker or called me Mr. Sunshine." I giggle at his nickname. I didn't know a boy could actually be called Mr. Sunshine. Thankfully they didn't add the word "little".

Charlie said that things have their own advantages and disadvantages.

"Like you know, too much of something isn't good and too less of something isn't good as well. So might as well be in the middle." Charlie spoke with a canty attitude just the way he described himself a couple of seconds ago. 

Charlie stated that some people were fond of his lightsome and canty personality. People often complimented him for bringing up the atmosphere in the room. On the downside of his personality, some disliked him just because he was different. Just because he was "too happy."

"They often mocked me saying that I wasn't being realistic." He scarcely showed his disappointment.

"I mean what's wrong with being happy and positive? No one can live without happiness or being happy." He stated with so much confidence and doubt on what what others thought of him.

The storyline somehow changed. Charlie said he lost friends. He was so disappointed and felt so much sympathy for himself. People ignored him and he turned out to be an outcast later on.

"There was this urge of change and so much questioning going on." He gestured, trying hard to explain what he was going through during that time.

"I felt that I needed acceptance from others but at the same time the urge to need to change."

Charlie says he's trained himself to become very nimble and responsive to what others told him. Charlie was willing to change. To learn to be realistic and have sympathy for others. He was willing to have more concern and care. But there was one thing Charlie was willing to never change. It was to continue making others happy. The right amount of happiness and positivity.

"I knew that having the right balance of happiness was something I couldn't change. It's something I should keep."

Charlie reminds me that it's not wrong to be different. It's not wrong to have something others don't. But with acceptance, we cannot totally diminish a person's personality even if we don't approve of it. Some things have to just remain as it is. Some personalities that we have just has to be balanced. These personalities we have are what makes us unique and special.

It's something we cannot just neglect and degrade. It's something we still have even if we change. It's something that remains and later on we accept the fact that we were born as such. We were born to have that and be in that way.

Acceptance isn't only about acceptance of others through physically and emotionally. It is also about acceptanc of ourselves, the things that remain the same and understanding that some things have to be left as it is for  a reason. These things that remain the same are what makes us different from others and define who we are.

"Now tell me yours." He cut off the silent state I was in. I shook my head thinking deeply my opinion about acceptance and my personal experience about it. I rethink and go back to how my life was before. All the memories. All the pain. All the joy.

"I'm sure you're familiar with the saying that everbody makes mistakes, we're not perfect." He nods in reply.

I start off by telling Charlie the person I've been for the past years. As I was telling him, a look of digust took over my expression just remembering how different I was. Through the past years, I've been so ashamed of myself. To the point that I couldn't accept and love myself because of the mistakes I've made.

"You know that feeling when you're broken hearted. The feeling of abhorrence, guilt, regret. Disconnection. Fearfulness." I cringe due to the words I've told Charlie. All those feelings I've felt because of heart ache.

I tell him of the men I've had a relationship with. They were all great but at the end, I felt like I was always on the loosing end. They either found someone better than me or unfortunately things didn't just work out.

I had a boyfriend before. His name was Chris. I met him three years ago. It was the best relationship I could ask for. Unfortunately, Chris died due to blood cancer. The insensible thing is how I didn't realize he was sick. Sure Chris and I kept pur distance I've always managed to be with him  in the most possible way. He was sick and I didn't even realize.

"It kills me how I wasn't aware of how he was sometimes. The way his eyes looked sickly. The times when we would just stay in his apartment and talk all day cuddled up." My voice twinged with pain and anguish.

Through those years, I blamed myself for Chris' death. I hid myself by writing books that concerned about things that people would have actually asked or wonder about. I hid myself in such a way that I didn't dare entertain a boy to go out for dinner with me. I treated myself of no worth. All I thought of myself was a complete mess of mistakes.

But one day, I received a letter from Chris' sister. The letter somehow changed my whole perception of myself. The letter absolutely help me perceive that blaming myself and focusing on my mistakes was such a watse of time. It was a lame and disparaging act. It woulnd't do me any good. It would only make me weaker and make me hate myself.

From that, I knew that acceptance was what I needed. 

"Acceptance in such a way that I had to learn to accept my mistakes and the mistake of others."

I had to learn to forgive myself and other people. These mistakes don't make us of a person because we are more than our mistakes. We need to learn to treat ourselves of worth because we ourselves need to know that we are worthy and we capable to be loved by others.

Acceptance of the past is also important because from that we are able to accept the imperfections of it and we are able to move on and start over. Start over meaning we are ready to learn new things and build bridges in our lives.

We need to accept the fact that we aren't perfect and we make mistakes even if we don't want to. But if you think about it, making mistakes and learning from them are what makes us a stronger and better person.

And even with our mistakes, we are still capable to love and be loved. We are still special. We are still worthy. We are still worth knowing for. We are still worth remembering for. We are still our beautiful self.