thunder -- michael clifford

chapter fourteen

>> fourteen.

"You know what I like best about this?"

"The sixteen hot dog stands that we just passed?"

I giggled and shoved Michael's shoulder gently. "No, silly. Just being here with you. All we're doing is walking down a busy California street with no money or no car or nowhere to be, but I'm still loving every minute of it. I love every minute I spend with you."

It was July 28th now, a full month after my birthday and the concert Michael took me to. The boys had done a lot of recording in the studio, and they were getting ready to leave LA to go back to Australia. Beau and I had enrolled into Sierra Canyon Upper School, which began in September. The boys had packed all of their things, other than their clothes, to prepare for their trip back.

"I really need to talk to you, Lia." Michael said suddenly, pulling my hand and directing me over to a bench on the sidewalk.

"What's up?"

"So, you know we're leaving in a week, right?"

"Uh.. yeah..."

He paused. "God, you know I love you with my entire being, don't you, Lia McAllister?"

"Michael, what's going on? You know I can't go with you back to Sydney or anything. I got into one of the best schools in LA. I can't just leave everythin-"

"Lia, that isn't what I was going to say. I know you can't. You have your life, and I have mine."

"Then what's wrong?"

He stopped again, sighing. "Lia, I think we should.. Ah, shit. Lia, long-distance is too hard for us both. I'll be all the way across the Pacific. I can't do it. I love you. I fucking love you so much it physically hurts me sometimes, but long-distance will only hurt us. No one lasts through something like that."

I felt my entire heart fall into my stomach and shatter into pieces, much like a glass mirror when it drops from a shaking hand. I opened my mouth to speak, but I couldn't force a word through my lips.

"Lia, please don't do this. Please. I know. But we still have these last few days before I leave to spend together, before we, uh, call it off, I guess. Just please don't do this. I know it hurts. It hurts me more than you know."

"Then why are you doing it?" I whispered, almost inaudible.

"What?"

I took a deep breath and shook my head. "Nothing. Um, it's getting late. I think I should head home. Anna and Beau are probably wondering about me."

"You've stayed the night with me, Lia. They've never wondered about you when you're with me."

"I, uh, just.. I think I should get home." I stood up from the bench and walked to the edge of the sidewalk to call a taxi.

"Lia, please. We still have a few more days together. Can't we make the best of those before I leave?"

I felt my throat tighten, and my eyes locked on my feet. "Um, I have to start focusing on tattooing and school or whatever. I, uh, have to get focused on the year.."

Michael sighed. "Okay. Can I, uh, can I at least walk you home?"

I thought for a minute. It would be the last few minutes I'd be spending with him, and I had just said it myself, I loved every minute I got to spend with Michael Clifford, regardless of our status, together or separated. I was hopelessly in love with him, all of him. All of his little pieces and parts and every inch of his skin, every bone of his skeleton, every hair that sprouted from his body, every breath he took, every word he uttered, every single movement of his arms, legs, fingers, and toes. 

"Um, sure. L-let's go."

I began walking in the direction of my home, a good and constant three steps in front of the boy. My arms were crossed across my chest, resting against the fabric of my black crop top.

"Lia, wait. Please." Michael said, rushing up to walk by my side. "Why are you in such a hurry to leave me?"

I chuckled, and something inside me snapped. "Am I really the one in a hurry to leave you? Really? I'm not the one breaking up with you. If you're so in love with me, you'd be willing to try to work through this. Even though we'd be hours and thousands of miles and an entire ocean apart, it would be worth it. I thought it'd be worth it. It is to me. You're everything to me. I wouldn't think twice about taking a bullet for you, throwing my hand across a blade for you. Any sort of pain is worth it to me, if it's for you. No matter what it is. But I guess it isn't reciprocated, huh? Am I just your LA whore or something?"

Michael just looked at me, with evident sadness in his eyes. "You kno-" He stopped and took a breath, blinking tears from his eyes. "You fucking know how much I love you, Lia. I am in love with you, every perfection and imperfection of you. I'm doing this for you. I've tried long distance before, and all it did was hurt me, hurt her. I'm doing this for you. Just, why can't we make the best of our time? This is exactly what I wanted to avoid. I just- I love you, and I don't want to hurt you like this, but trying to deal with a long distance thing with me, while I'm on tour, all those rumors spreading.. It's just going to hurt you even more. Just trust me, Lia."

"I told you, I'd go through any pain I had to for you, Michael. But whatever. Anyway, I, uh, I need to go. I need to get home."

I heard Michael sigh as I started walking in the direction of my house again. "I love you, Lia. Whether you want to believe it or not, I am completely in love with you. And this hurts me just as much as it's hurting you."

I just stopped and shook my head, unable to say anything through my tears. Even if I could speak, it's not like I knew what to say.

"Can I see you again before we leave?"

"I don't know." I said softly.

I heard him sigh again. "Okay. I love you, Lia."

I wanted more than anything to turn around, to run back to him and apologize for overreacting, to tell him I understand, and I'd be willing to wait for him until he comes back to LA, where we'd meet each other at the airport or in a cafe or just along the streeet someday and pick right back up where we left off, but I didn't. I took a deep breath, pushed back the tears in my eyes, and left.