Under these Stars

Chapter 29: Doubts

I glance at my phone. I'm fifteen minutes early. I fidget around in my seat, waiting impatiently for Hunter to show up. Looking around, I unconsciously regret my decision to meet at our local Mexican restaurant at this time of night. I know he wanted somewhere alone and quiet, but I was afraid of what would happen if we chose that option. Thus, I picked a semi-rowdy place with delicious food. 

Per usual, young adults come in and out of the restaurant as they order some Mexican authentic food to satisfy their munchies or drunchies. I don't know what drugs the kids are consuming these days, but this is the place for teenagers to go on a Saturday night. Still, I love this place and was craving for some Mexican soul food in my empty belly. 

Regardless, I feel socially awkward as I sit alone uncomfortably in the worn out cushioned booth. Luckily, I had chosen a booth in the very corner, a distance away from the register. I wouldn't want anyone to recognize me or start chatting me up. I lower my baseball cap and sink down deeper into my booth. 

On the drive here, I had a lot of time to think. I came here ready to move on from Mason and stop acting so cruel towards Hunter. He's a sweet and amazing guy who I get along well. I can see myself dating him seriously. I just feel like there's also a chain tying me down to Mason. A ball of regret and guilt tugs at my heart every time I think of leaving him. As I sit here and ponder, a seed of doubt is planted. Perhaps I should end things with Hunter. I've been unfairly dragging him along due to my indecisiveness.

"Hey." Hunter slides in the booth seat across from me. I sit back a little surprised at his sudden appearance. "You looked deep in thought. Didn't know if you saw me enter." He chuckles as my reaction. I smile, embarrassed at my lack of attention.

"What did you want to talk about?" I get straight to the point. Hunter's dark, brooding eyes widen and catch him off guard. 

"Damn." He laughs deeply. "I've always liked how you don't beat around the bush." I can't help but feel my heart squeeze a little in response to his rich laughter. He settles down before staring into my eyes seriously. 

"You know. I'm not the most romantic dude out there, so I'm just going to come out and say this." His eyes pore into me deeply which leave me scared but mesmerized at the same time. I remember when we first met and how his grey eyes lured me in. 

"I like you a lot. In fact, I want to take things seriously with you. Will you be my girlfriend?" He gazes at me for a response. I really didn't expect him to say this. I was expecting him to end this "thing" we were having. 

"As much as I would love to hear your answer right away, I know you need some time." He sees me struggling to respond.

"No," I shake my head in refusal. His grey eyes cloud over a darker color at the word. "Wait," I realize how I sounded. "I meant, I'll answer you right now." Looking at my hands, I place them on the table and stare at the backs of my hands for a few more seconds. Then, I stare at him as I take a huge breath before explaining. 

"I...I feel like you can sense I'm holding something back from you. Even though we've been on dates and have known each other for a while now, we don't really know each other at all. I don't want you going into this without knowing the baggage I'm carrying. I don't want you to be chained down by me." I make sure to look directly into his eyes as I force these words out. 

"That's why we get to know each other. It's part of the relationship as we grow with one another. We all have our secrets, and I'll share it with you. That's what partners are for. I wouldn't look at it as chains or baggage." He clasps my hands within his. "Who do you take me for? Aren't we good friends already? We aren't strangers." He smirks just a little playfully. 

Ba-thump. There goes Hunter making my heart beat crazily for him and getting me flustered with feelings I don't want to feel right now. "Honestly, you would have a happier time with someone else. I'm not who you're looking for. You're about to graduate and go to college. You'll find a girl there who you both deserve. I take my hands away from him. I don't know what my expression is but I get up to leave. He stands up in front of me and blocks me. 

"I mean it." I give him a glare for him to move away. He doesn't budge.

"How do you know?" He merely asks. His serious tone softens my glare towards him. 

"I know." I utter softly under my breath.

"So you felt nothing this entire time?" He asks once more. 

Instead of answering his question, I state, "Thank you." A small, but sincere smile makes its way onto my lips. I turn around and run outside, trying not to pay attention at the some of the surprised looks from the diners. I don't stop running until I'm safe inside my truck. As soon as I sit in the driver's seat, I cannot stop the tears from pouring through my eyes. 

I don't know how long I stay in that position before I decide to start my engine and drive. There isn't a destination in mind, but I just force myself to drive on autopilot. Before long, I find myself at a familiar clearing. I pull into it and get out of my truck. There's metal frames to prevent cars from tipping over the cliff. I lean my arms against it and look outwards. I remember when Mason brought me to this cliff so far from the city lights. The darkness hugs me tightly when I look outwards but I can see the reflection of the moon faintly reflected against sea. I can see all the constellations here as they light up the dark night. 

There's a flashing light next to me. For a second, I think it's Mason trying to take a photo of me. However, the hope dies quickly when I see a car zoom past me. I discard those thoughts and continue to glare at the stars above. I remember naming them with my parents. I would sit on top of my father's shoulders as my mom would teach me the names. I still remember some of them faintly. 

Lately, it's been easier to think and talk about my parents as I have continued my therapy sessions. However, it's still hard to discard negative thoughts and emotions when I am alone sometimes. I know I'm never going to recover whatever traumatic memories I have of my parents' accident, but from what I can tell, it's for the better. I think I'll relapse really bad if I do, despite my curiosity to know. It's better off not knowing. 

I plop onto the dirt and rest my head against the metal railing. I continue to get lose in the twinkling stars.

I know I did the right thing. With Hunter, I felt safe and protected. He was kind at the right moments. He treated me how I always wanted to be treated. There was this light from him that seemed to push away my dark, empty emotions. That's why I clung onto him for so long. I think I did and do like him, but the feelings were still developing. Because of Mason, I haven't been able to fully move onto Hunter. 

"I love you Mason Miretti." I whisper quietly in the cold, night air. As the words slip from my mouth, my mind and heart knows. It just knows. I sit here and let the words sink in for a few minutes. I sit under these stars with the constellations for company. 

Where are you? I wonder as a single tear trails down my cheek. The droplet hits my hand and I promise myself that this is the last time I'm going to cry over boys. 

I get up and dust myself off before turning around. Taking a huge breath, I scream at the top of my lungs. Then, I do it a couple more times until my chest is huffing and throat aches. It's something out of a movie scene, but damn it feels good. 

With one last glimpse at the scenery, I climb into my truck and drive back home. 

_______

A/N

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Thank you for patiently reading and waiting for me as always.