你爱我吗？

-; 2

So basically I want to write my feelings here...it would help me...so just a small warning I won't put any self harm and shuch.

Okay so basically I like this guy who everyone else likes. I dated him and it was wonderful but he was uncomfortable with it and everything in that relationship. I still love him and feel like I wanna marry him and blah. But he's dating someone and he's sub and also into males so I already know I lost but he says he hasn't moved on from me but he has...he has because he has a boyfriend and is happy and I'm jealous and I shouldn't be. I should move on but I can't I just can't. I want him to be mine and I wish I was a male and dom. I remember a long time ago he told me "gender doesn't matter babe" but now he's saying that he's into men. IDK I just love him but I already know I can't have him. I made him hate me over an rp. I wish he would dominate me but I understand what he has chosen and in happy for him but I just want to cry sometimes.

And then me losing friends. The guyi have a crush on basically told me he would never ever get back with me. And that's hard to hear. I lost another friend because apparently I was "hurting them" when they had control over their own emotions. And now I lost a close friend because I was "ignoring them." I guess God wants me to suffer. I just had surgery and then everyone piles all this drama on to me and I just can't take it. I'm trying to heal and I'm on meds for pain and then people get mad at me and everyone just hates me.

And then I'm undate able. I'm a sub with a dom personality. Everyone wants me to dom and shit but I can't. I made my ex uncomfortable with DDLG lifestyle and never even brought in Pet Play or Brat Play and I knew he would hate S&M. No one loves me. I wanna be loved. I wanna be dominated by someone who doesn't just want nudes or calls with sexual things. I want someone who will take care of me. Someone who will set rules for me because they care. Someone who will enjoy my pet side and training. Someone who will gently but still firmly punish me when I've been a brat. I want someone to truly love me. I want someone to call me and ask me how I'm doing. I want someone who is okay with my disabilities and issues. I want someone to trust and someone to be that parent type person yet a relationship. But all that's happening is I've made someone uncomfortable, I've been used and unloved.

All I do is wanna die.