Worth It

Hello, everyone. This is a bit different from what I usually write. But, it is also something I felt needed to be written. If you are struggling with depression or know someone who is, read this or send it to that person. This is for those who go day in and day out, not knowing if they'll make it. If you are struggling, reach out. Talk to someone you trust. And if you don't have anyone, call or text a hotline or feel free to pm me. There are people out there that want to help you. There is always a reason to keep going. As someone who has witnessed and felt these things first hand, I can tell you that there is always hope.

Don't make a permanent decision in a temporary situation.

Your life is worth it.

You are worth it.

SUICIDE HOTLINE FOR US

1-800-273-TALK (8255) OR text "START" TO 741-741

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Worth It

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I decided a month ago to do this. I knew this would be the day for it. My parents took Connor, my little brother with them to go visit our grandparents a state over. They allowed me to stay home alone because of a big project.

I guess I'll never get that finished.

There's really no right way to do it... A gun is too messy, bleeding out is too slow. An overdose can be pumped out of your body and asphyxiation by hanging, if not done properly, can just lead to brain damage or paralysis. Decisions, decisions.

I've had depression for years. They've tried therapy, pills, everything. Sometimes it works for a little while, but it always comes back. It hits in waves. One day, you feel perfectly fine. Then the next day, you don't know whether you want to scream, cry, vomit, or do each at once.

Sometimes, you don't even know how you feel. It's even more confusing if you have anxiety to top it all off. Some days you don't know if you are anxious, numb, or depressed. Sometimes it's all those feelings at once. It's like you know something is wrong, but you are too numb to care or do anything about it.

I didn't always want to die. It isn't immediate. It starts off with just not wanting to be there. And not as in a specific place, you just don't want to be anywhere. You just want to stop existing for a while. Not necessarily die, just cease existing.

That's no way to live. Could it even be considered living, when most of the time you feel as though you aren't even there?

I had no future anyway. It wasn't like I would have been able to do anything with my life. I'm worthless. Insignificant. There are billions of smarter, better, more important people that can actually contribute instead of just use up oxygen. I'm a waste of space.

Even if there was some hope for me in one of those categories, it's not like I had the motivation needed to do anything about it.

That's why I have to do this today. I've been preparing all month, having finally made up my mind. I wrote all my letters, told my brother I loved him, and made sure everyone would know there was nothing they could have done. Now was the time.

I laid out each of the letters on my desk. One for my parents, one for my brother, and one for my closest friend, Erika.

I did my research and decided pills would be the easiest way to go. No mess. I dug up information to see which would be most effective. Suicide prevention advertisements were everywhere. Too bad I had tried that already.

I took the medications and lied down on my bed. I had hoped as I drifted off to sleep that I would never wake up.

I woke up gasping for air, but my lungs couldn't be filled. I guess my brain didn't like all my vital organs shutting down. My body thrashed slightly for a moment, then I felt my lungs deflate as the last bit of breath left my body.