Hello, crazy mofos? baes? babes?baby? directioners? people? humans? I'm starting a new fan fic. I hope you guys like it. I'm really nervous but anxious and excited at the same time. Like puking rainbows...I'm not weird I swear. Anyways... I put a lot of thought into this and i hope you really like it. I made the cover myself. Oh and i also have an editor. :D Her name is Karolina you can go follow her on Twitter @weadorenarry. She's my best friend and I love her.
Okay well here it is. Oh...and by the way...my name is Cailtin :)
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Pain.
What is pain?
Well the noun..the noun is physical suffering or discomfort caused by illness or injury.
But the verb, the verb is cause mental or physical pain to.
I never really fell pain physically its almost always mentally. Just mentally really. You may not understand, most don't it's something you can't really define because it hurts more than it's saying, so fuck the definition, they are shit.
My eyes are wet. I can't tell if it's the rain or if I'm crying. In my mind is nothing. Just nothing. My ass is cold from the wet soaked pavement, but I don't care. I hate beginnings. God they are so shitty. I wish in life you could skip it. Go straight to the middle.
I have been sitting here for two hours. I still feel nothing. i want to feel hurt. i want to be in pain, feel it. Its better than feeling nothing. You may think I'm crazy, hell I am crazy. I want pain, I need pain. Some people just need a little pain to survive the suffering.
I get up. Questioning where i should go. I go to the one place where i can feel pain.
I walk and walk and walk, just walk.
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I stop at my tracks. I breathe in. I take one step, hearing the movement of the gravel under my feet, then feeling smooth grass under my rubber soles of my converse. I take a step, than another. I keep going till i know I'm at my destination. 137 steps to be exact.
I look at the graving and tracing. Memorizing every curve, every letter, every speck of dirt. I remember the the first day I saw it.
Tommy Medler 3. 10. 2009. Beloved son and brother
Nothing. Just nothing.
Then...
I feel it, that pain, that ache, of lost and suffering.
I felt nothing at first, but i knew i was lying to myself. I broke down. Digging my nails into the now mud, getting even more wet than i already am.
Pain has finally filled in my nothing. I sobbed and sobbed.
Its been 5 years. 5 god damn years! I still can't believe I have lived 5 years without him. Hell i haven't lived, only survived. i will never be able to live. It not the fate for me. Living despises me. Me and living just don't meet eye to eye.
I kiss the grave, where I do every time I come. On the "T". I get up and start to walk home.
I go slow, taking my time,not caring.
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I finally get home. i look at the number 3782. I will never forget that number, but i try so hard to. I hate it. I look at the ugly House. Its yellow, but a dirty yellow. The some of the paint has been chipped. The flowers are dead and the trees are droopy and looking dead themselves.
I put my hand over the knob, breathing in before I walk in.
The outside is just as ugly as the inside. The walls were a piss yellow, chipped as well. I dont know why they love yellow so much. Its a bright color, but its ugly. The carpets have stains all over. I don't even know what the color is anymore or what has been contaminated on it. There are no pictures on the wall.
Nothing. Just nothing.
" Ugh, why are you here?" My father said obviously annoyed and drunk. He isn't my Dad. Just my father.
" I live here." I whispered
" Right..uh one more year till you are out of my face, ugly bitch." My mother said smoking on a cigarette. She isn't my Mom. Just my mother.
I leave them. Not saying a word. Not caring. I open the door.
There is only a twin bed on the floor with a blanket and a done pillow. There is a tiny dresser and a closet the size of a medium size closet with only 12 shirts and 1 jacket.
I love that jacket. He gave it to me with the little money that he had for a 9 years old. It had holes in it and it was dirty, but i still cherished it. It was my only memory of him left.
I was done thinking. Not done going to the past. Just done thinking
I plopped on my broken dirty bed. I was tired. Not tired. but just
Tired.
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Okay well there is Chapter 1 i hope you liked it. PLEASE COMMENT!! :D I want to know what you think. It would be nice if you voted too. that would be cool. Lol. Well see you next time. I will be updating probably every 3 days. Ya i know far, but writing is hard work! so no whinning!
~ Caitlin xxx
