Second hand smoke

#1

Comebacks were always a headache for Namjoon. They were his biggest fears, they were his kryptonite. Amidst the bone breaking choreography practice, the long hours of photo shoot, the shooting for their MVs, the constant presence on social media keeping the hype up, there was his state of mind. Namjoon knows sometimes his brilliant, beautiful mind has a tendency to drift off to dark places. He really couldn't help it. He knew Army fiercy loved his boys but he couldn't shake off the fear that he might let them down. He didn't like looking at his reflection in the mirror because he felt he was ugly, unworthy of standing on the same stage as the rest. He always thought he wasn't good enough and spent countless of hours rehearsing after the others have left. He spent sleepless nights in his Mon Studio working on the already perfected tracks because he was so afraid he missed something the first thousand times around. He felt like he needed to lose weight because his face looked puffed up in the photos they took for their promotion. Sometimes, he feels like he isn't good enough of a leader, that he couldn't properly present Bangtan to the rest of the world. He spends countless nights mentally creating scenarios in his head of interview questions and the proper, the absolute best answer he could give. After their win in the BBMAs, the number of interviews in english increased expotentially and since Namjoon is the most fluent in the language, it falls on his shoulders to answer the questions, while at the same time giving enough room and space for the other members to answer as well, making sure they don't feel ignored. He encourages the others to speak english and helps them when he feels necessary. He doesn't want to end up looking like an attention hogging hoe but at the same time, he doesn't want them to end up embarrassing themselves. Sometimes, Namjoon wonders if he should prep his members when it comes to answering interview questions. As their status in the KPOP industry grew, so did those that wanted to bring them down. Some questions in interviews could be purposely racist or degratory just to gouge a reaction from the boys. As much as the media loved them and labelled them as sweethearts, all the more they want them to fall. Stories of Korean sweethearts turning bad boys could make a lot of money. Namjoon was disgusted but such was the harsh reality he was living in and he had to accept it with a grim heart.

The others were aware of Namjoon's doldrums whenever comeback seasons approach. They tried to give him all the space he needed to recover while still keeping a watchful eye on him. They considered Namjoon as a wounded animal, one that would bite if you approach without warning. Jin makes sure that Namjoon has all the nutrients needed to get through another day without collapsing and enough water to stay hydrated. All Namjoon sees is an overbearing hyung that wouldn't stop nagging. Yoongi stays up with Namjoon in his Mon studio just so that Namjoon doesn't feel alone. For Namjoon, he feels as if Yoongi is constantly judging his work and doesn't believe Namjoon could do his job properly and ends up feeling inferior and miserable. Hoseok always tries to engage Namjoon in small talk so that he doesn't spend too much time dweling in negative thoughts. Namjoon finds the sunshine of the group too shiny at times, blinding him. He finds Hoseok annoying. After a hard day's practice, Jimin somehow manages to slitter his way to Namjoon's side, hands firmly clasped over his shoulder, massaging in small circular movements, trying his hardest to ease those knotted muscles. But Namjoon's shoulders always remain tense as long as Jimin's fingers are in contact with his skin. Sometimes, all Namjoon wishes is that the smallest in their group would not touch him. The days that Seokjin forces Namjoon to retire to bed early, Taehyung will always crawl into Namjoon's covers, seeking his warmth, cuddling close with his arms around Namjoon's waist. Namjoon finds the act suffocating and winds up awake through out the entire night, until his tired eyes finally give in to the darkness. All Taehyung wanted to do was let Namjoon know that he was loved. On the rare days that they got off practice early, Namjoon sits in the living room alone, staring into empty space til dinner is ready. He mainly does it to avoid Seokjin from scolding him, stating that he spends too much time locked up in his studio and it's unhealthy. Namjoon usually counters with "Well, you want to give your best for the comeback, don't you?" but its always internally screaming in his head. No way was he going to pick a fight with Kim Seokjin. Namjoon doesn't mind sitting in the dark, in peace (if you consider a million thoughts swimming thru your head as peace) but it doesn't last long. Jungkook always finds him sooner or later. Plopping down beside Namjoon, he proceeds to bombard him with questions about the english language. Usually on how to construct sentences and the intonation said sentences are used in. Jungkook wants Namjoon to feel appreciated, to feel useful. Namjoon thinks Jungkook should sometimes use Google rather then expect Namjoon to spoon feed him all the time. Namjoon knows the boys were all trying to make him feel better but sometimes, being left alone is the best option.