The Book of Us

Always

Mr Edgley, Grace and I make our way to Royal Perth Hospital to see Annalise. She's so small, been put on a trial program for it, the doctor have put her in an 'artificial womb'. Hopefully she'll live. Mr Edgley fills out the birth certificate. Annalise Edgley. I have this wierd numb feeling the whole time. Everything sounds like it's coming from the end of a very long tunnel, or through a wall of water. By 12am Grace is asleep in the chair in the ICU cubicle next to the machine Anna is in. 'It will make her bones weak' Dr. watts had explained to us 'But hopefully she will live' she explained confidently to us. Confidence. Every doctor had it. And I️ hated it.

*****

Sometimes it's memories that haunt us the most. They replay in our head, over and over until we get sick from it.  They make us hate ourselves and feel so helpless and powerless. They make us try to find some escape. And when we can, we take it as much as we can get. Embracing it. That night, I️ can only imaging what memories were going through Nathan's head. His mum, his family, his dad before he died. The feeling of helplessness would've been covering him, getting into every little crevice of his mind. Slowly killing him. His escape was drugs.

When Ruben called me I️ was surprised, to say the least. Something in his voice seemed a bit off as he said a quick hello to me and asked for mr Edgley. I️ put it on speaker and slid it across the table to him.

"Hello Ruben" Mr Edgley said swiftly, I️ had a feeling that no one really liked Ruben. He was always in trouble.

"Hi, um, Nathan has passed out and um... could you come get him?"

"Oh f*cking bitch" he whispered under his breath "for sh*ts sake, why now!"

"Please, I️ think he might be really sick" Ruben asks into the phone again, he sounds scared

"Fine" Mr Edgley replies "I'm coming, where are you?" He quickly takes down the address and is soon on his way.

*****

Grace and I️ sit there in silence until it becomes hard to stop the question I️ keep wondering "what do you think has happened to him" I️ ask, near the point of tears.

"You can never know when it comes to Nathan, probably drugs."

"DRUGS!" I️ whisper loudly. Breathing shakily through clenched teeth.

"Do you see what I️ meant when I️ said he's trouble? And this isn't a one time thing too, Ella. You're too good for him.  What do you even see in him? You need to see what he's really like. Go back home, Ella. And by home I️ mean your house. And for one moment just think about what you're doing when you're with him. Please". I️ nodded lightly, coming to the realisation that all of that made sense. What did I️ see in him? What did I️ really love about him?

*****

I️ got home and went to my room, a board of Polaroids welcomed me, all showing smiling, happy versions of me and my friends. What goes through our heads when we take photos. Do we just smile and forget how we were really feeling and what we were really thinking about? Because, looking back on every time I've taken a photo I️ realise that photos are not the same as memories, you are not always happy about it. I️ look at one of Nathan and I️. He had just hit me before it for saying something stupid. To change the subject we took the photo, and for some reason, we are both smiling.

I️ analyse the photo more carefully before I️ realise that its covering another photo, of a much happier me, an actually happy me. I️ was with Hudson, at the beach and we had just been mucking around in the water. He was looking at me like he cared, like he really loved me. And I️ knew then that Nathan would never really love me. And I️ could never truly love him.  

When Grace called me she was crying and I️ could hear crying in the back ground. A quiet voice sounded from the phone after some sniffles. there was a lot of other noise obscuring the sound, like beeping, and sniffing and crying in the background. But I️ heard a few words come out of the phone. "Ella, he's..... he's gone" and then I️ screamed, my parents were out so I️ just screamed. I️ hung up the phone and screamed for hours, until there was nothing left, no anger, no despair and no hate. And I️ lay there, as if I️ had no soul and no mind and did nothing. Just lay on my bed. And did nothing.

*****

The funeral was in a small chapel, there weren't many people there. As I️ walked up to the front to see Grace I️ started crying, just small tears but they hurt like a thousand knifes stabbing my eyes. I️ hugged Grace and we both cried for a while. In the back ground I️ could hear my parents paying their respects to Mr. Edgley. But that didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore. We stepped back from each other a bit

"Do you... do you want to see him?" She asked quietly. I️ just shook my head in reply, theres no way I️ could look at him now, some small voice in my head was telling me that it was my fault, I️ let him go out that night and therefore I️ killed him.

*****

The funeral and burial took what felt like hours at the time, but looking back on it it felt like it was only moments. But in the car on the way home I️ made a split second decision, one that changed everything.

"Mum, can you take the next right turn and drop me there?" I️ ask "on Elbbard street"

"Is that...?" She begins asking before I️ cut her off.

"Yes, it is" I️ say, sighing slightly "Well, here I️ go" I️ say as she finally stops the car. I️ sling my bag over my shoulder and make my way over to number 14.

An Ed Sheeran song is blearing from an upstairs room. I️ stand in front of the door for a moment, trying to still my heart for a bit. I knock on the door loudly. I️ close my eyes and hear his laughter and see his smile and hear him singing and I️ hear him say "what the f*ck?". Wait, what the f*ck? I️ open my eyes to Hudson. Standing there and looking at me like he's confused and happy and also slightly sad. Then he lightly chuckles and asks "After all this time?"

And I️ know exactly what he's playing at in that moment, so I️ say, "Always".