"Sherlock!" Kairi yelled after him through her sobs.
He turned, still stepping on what felt like the shattered pieces of his whole being. He was lost inside emotion; this blinding, whirling, and completely encompassing hurricane that raged within him. When he looked back at her, he felt everything at once, the overwhelming amount of affection he had for her, the burden of this new knowledge, and the undying shame of how he had handled her.
"Please!" She shouted, running at him, but stopping herself before she reached him, before she got too close.
It burned him that she shied away from him. It burned him that in the last four months, living like he had, she had been here. She had been with…
"Let me explain." She muttered softly, searching his eyes for something, any sort of remnant of the man she adored.
"Why!?" Sherlock pleaded for understanding, rage and hurt pushing forth through his snarling tone and he watched her recoil, curling in on herself like the abused child she once was.
"Let me tell you what happened, let me tell you my reasoning, please." She said softly, her voice trembling.
"WHY!?" He shouted, his voice echoing in her home. He took a deep breath and exhaled, feeling so very broken, "Why should I?" He added with the weakness he felt.
"Because you weren't raped!" She yelled at him, "You weren't the one who got raped TWICE!" She shouted glaring at him with the wide, pained eyes of a broken woman, "You weren't the one who had to look into the eyes of the person you love the most in this world, while some monster consumed every ounce of goodness in your body!" She finished in a weak cry, "You were there," She looked at him, her voice laced with shame and sadness, "but you weren't me."
Sherlock took in a harsh breath, raggedly catching in his throat, fighting to move past the blockade forming in his chest. He closed his eyes for a moment and sensations pulsed through him. The vivid memories of Kairi being held face to face with him while Moran abused her. The nightmarish terror that consumed him, the pain that broke him, all of it raged within him and when he opened his eyes he could see her clearly. The tears had left his eyes and were now slowly falling down his cheeks.
"I'm not asking for your forgiveness." She muttered sadly, "I don't expect it either. I'm just asking you to listen." She wrapped her arms around herself as tears fell freely from her reddened eyes and she looked at him, pleading and desolate.
He nodded, slowly, the air in his lungs frozen and painful as he watched her shake in front of him, knowing that was his fault.
"I slept with Lestrade, once." She admitted, laughing sourly until it turned into sobs, "My mother died the week before. I went home to see her cremated and buried with my dad." She added in a thick voice, "I never got to say goodbye to the woman who loved me, who tried to protect me. I never got to say goodbye to my mother! The last time I saw her she ripped holes in my arms and screamed at me!" Kairi sobbed, "I never got to understand why she murdered someone: for me? To warn me? Because Moran had told her to? I never got to know why!" She shouted, her eyes frantic and lost, "I was eight months into recovery, finally feeling like everything was going to be okay and then she just died." She added with a bitter laugh, "I felt like everything was falling apart all over again and you weren't here."
Sherlock went to speak but she put up her hand to silence him.
"I know, you weren't here because I asked you not to be — it's not your fault, it's mine. I know that. But you weren't here, I didn't know how to contact you. I couldn't ask you to come back, because I felt like I was worse off than when you left." She inhaled shakily.
