Coming Out

My little story so far

So i guess my life started out as a little less than "normal". I always had a thing for rolling around in mud, playing football, just being a guy and fitting in. But thats not how society apparently works, girls are supposed to "weak" and "pretty" all of those stereotypes. So i guess i was "shammed" from being in with the girls, i normally had mostly guy friends in the first place anyway. The first eight or so year of my life were just like that, make a friend or two, watch them leave, be ignored for the rest of the year. It was the same old thing till around forth grade, when i was told that i was "supposed" to be a male not a female, yet i turned out to be one. Since then i have always thought about how it would be like to be a guy, to be liked, to feel different. I never had the privilege to understand all of that until now. After years of wondering and fantasizing, just to understand what it would like to be someone I'm not.

In middle school i tried to be a person i wasn't, playing a travel sport, running myself dry. It was exhausting, mentally and physically. So thats why in my third year, i decided that i didn't want to play my sport the next season. No more trying to get people to like me, none of trying to get everyones approval. Also in my third year i found the LGBT community, also in the anime world called Yaoi. I was fascinated by it, entranced me so much i became obsessed. Every book i read had something to do with two men falling in love, not caring what everyone else thought of it.

I soon then pictured me in those situations, being loved, cared for, cherished by someone other than my family. I soon felt insecure as i entered high school, feeling as if i wasn't enough. As if i was in the wrong skin, a soul who was trapped in the wrong body. I started off through high school, my parents fighting with a divorce and debt, causing me unknown stress. The schoolwork and expectations were all piling up, making me have migraines and headaches. I was so happy when i found fall break around the corner, it being a Friday it was the day that we got to go to our dads, for the whole week.

I had to finish a project for a film class at the time so i had started on that, soon running out of paint and giving up. I washed my hands and pulled out my phone, my literal life. I was reading a certain book that i fell for, the characters just clicking in place. It soon turned into the next day and then into the night and i was scrolling around on youtube.

I found a video about this one girl. She was a beautiful girl, her hair was to her shoulders and it was a pure black. She danced and moved along to the choreography or some of my favorite Kpop bands. I watched as she explained how she felt about being insecure and uncomfortable with her body. I watched as she changed as a human, from female to a male, a really cute one at that.

I suddenly felt like i was kind of like him, like i was different and i needed something - a change. I then realized that i, i guess i was transgender. But the thing that still confuses me is that i don't know how i say it, like express it like i am actually a guy.

I want to change into a guy, but i don't know how. I have read up on how females can change to males, through surgery, accepting who you are and all of that. But the thing is, I'm only 14- almost 15 years old. It cost so-so much for those. I hate feeling like I'm in the wrong body, but i don't want to burden my mom. Im not even sure my dad will accept me, and it scares me.

I don't like to be hated, to be shamed. It scares me so much, but i want to change. I want to but it scares me so much, that we wont have enough money, what i should do first. Should i just tell my mom, find a gender therapist or someone like that. I feel like i should...but i don't know how to tell her. I want to be a boy, i want to be lived still.

Help?