I stand there holding my phone close to my ear, unable to breathe, my throat closing tighter and tighter with each ring.
"Hello?" Harry asks from the other end, and I become paralyzed. I'm unable to talk or breathe, all I can do is blink. I never realized how much I missed Harry's voice until this moment. I miss the way he would hold me in the morning, holding me in his strong arms, pulling me as close to him as possible and whispering how much he loves me into my ear. I miss when he would call me randomly just to tell me that he was thinking about me and how he would leave me good night messages every night. I have to remind myself that this is not the reason why I'm calling Harry, but deep down, I know that it is.
"Hello?" Harry asks again and I finally let go of the breath that I'd been holding, but I still can't bring myself to say anything. "Who is this?"
Then I hang up.
I toss the phone towards the head of the bed and cover my face with my hands.
Why did I do that?
I hadn't expected Harry to answer since I called him from a different number, and secretly I wish he hadn't. But after Sean left, I needed someone to talk to and Harry was always the one I talked to in situations like this. I didn't feel like talking to Arabella because all she would say is I'm so sorry over and over and I wasn't in the mood to hear that. Harry would listen, and that's why I began subconsciously dialing his number, against my better judgment.
This was a bad idea from the start, but I just needed to hear his voice one more time.
-
My eyes blink open slowly, unaware that I had fallen asleep.
But something feels different.
The apartment doesn't smell of coffee and donuts, and then I realize that was always because of Sean. Every morning Sean would bring over coffee and whatever breakfast pastry he felt like eating that day. But I didn't want to think about Sean today. As far as I was concerned, Sean and I were over. I'm sure he doesn't want to see or speak to me ever again. But I don't blame him, because I'd feel the same way if I was in his position. But I can't waste my time thinking about how Sean feels when I need coffee.
I grab the nearest pair of shoes and begin putting them on when I look down and see that they're a dirty old pair of white converse - Harry's converse. Something in my chest tightens because I shouldn't still have these. I deleted every trace of Harry a long time ago. I spent two days throwing out all of Harry's clothes, CDs and anything that reminded me of him. How could I forget a pair of shoes?
As much as I didn't want to believe it, Harry was slowly working his way back into my life without actually being in my life.
I quickly put on another pair of shoes, grab my keys and run out the door so I don't have to think about this any more.
-
I turn the corner onto the same street where Harry and I saw each other a week ago, and my breath catches in my throat. I ignore the voice in my head telling me to turn around and walk toward the coffee shop, the pounding in my chest only getting louder the closer I get. Something that resembles hope begins to bubble up inside me, wondering if I'd run into Harry again. But then hope turns into hurt when I think back to Harry's expression when he saw me with Sean. He'd probably never come back here again.
But I don't know why I'm coming back here either. I could go anywhere for coffee, there's literally a shop on every corner, but something's drawing me back here and I'm not sure what it is yet. But all I know for now, is that I need coffee, so I push all those thoughts aside when I open the door.
