Inner Demons (Harry Styles fanfiction)

Chapter 4.

Inspiring Songs:

Ed Sheeran - I see fire

The 1975 - Haunt // Bed

~

 The drive back to my apartment was too long, too painful.

I was pointlessly driving through the streets of Detroit for an hour or two trying to get away from what I had done a few hours ago.

I couldn't though.

I couldn't avoid the repetition of every single one of my words and actions.

I couldn't avoid the repetition of every single one of his words and actions.

His last words and actions...

My mind can't take it in. What have I done?

He had said some bullshit earlier.

He should have known that it's a sensitive issue to talk about with such hideous words.

But still no matter how many excuses I may find, none of them is enough to justify my actions.

I killed him with my own hands and there's nothing I can do to take it back. There's nothing I can do to change it now.

The realisiation of my actions hit me after everything was done and irreversible.

Now it's past 3 am and I'm still sitting on my bed, fully dressed, re-thinking of everything that has happened the past few hours.

I have to go back to work in a few hours and I haven't even had a minute of sleep.

Even if I wanted to, there's not even a slight possibility that I'll find peace tonight. Or ever. I don't deserve it anyway.

The secretaries must have already found his dead body and everyone will be talking about it tomorrow.

I'm worried.

I'm not worried at all about my coworkers reaction, they hardly ever even talk to me and I don't think that they plan on doing it tomorrow either.

I'm worried because I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to forgive myself for my monstrous actions.

I stand on my feet and stare at my reflection in the mirror across my bed.

I approach it, I push back some curls that have covered my face in the messiest way possible and examine my figure carefully.

Who is this person I am staring at? He sure as hell is not Harry.

Where's Harry's Styles? What has happened to him?

I feel the urge to punch the mirror in front of me but I decide against it.

While my own thoughts are driving me crazy a certain line or maybe a lyric from a song I used to listen to in the past appears clear on my mind.

"Get in the shower if it all goes wrong."

And so I do.

After all these hours I take of my clothes, which made me feel even heavier, turn on the cold water and get in the shower.

It doesn't feel cozy at first but after five minutes I've already got used to it and it almost feels redemptive.

The ice cold water is fighting with the fire of guilt that's burning inside me and it seems to wash part of it away.

I don't want the shower to end because I am afraid and unsure of what might happen once I get out, dry and internally burnt again.

I realise that I have to get out of it though after 30 full minutes.