Inner Demons

Demons

9-14-17

The pain feels like a stagnant, infected wound. No matter how many times I try to understand it in order to heal it, it evades me. It is a low simmering burning fire that neither explodes nor dissipates. It's an elusive memory I can't remember, however it haunts me still. I'm not surprised I can't remember my past/childhood: I'm an expert on suppressing emotions.

Repressed memory or not, something traumatized me. Whether an action by someone else or a vision I saw.

I am damaged.

And not like others who say 'damaged.' I'm damaged because I don't know what hurt me. I don't know my enemy. I don't know my demons. What weapons should I choose to wield against an unknown opposition? To choose all would be exhausting and just plain pointless.

These demons inside me I try to hate. The way they swirl around in me negativity and nefarious emotions. I've grown accustomed to their vile ways. I don't challenge them but simply ignore them. In a sick, sociopathic way I love them. I'm so used to having them that I accept they are apart of me. How can I say goodbye to my subconscious crutch?

I've tried to harness the power of my intuition. I feel it's stronger than it ever has been. Yet the fact that my own mind is still evading me desperately aggravates me to no end. I'm a sucker for control, and yet, I can't control my own mind.

Twisted.

I don't think I'm special. In fact, I believe there are others out there just like me. However, how do I meet the ones with this specific challenge? How do I connect with those, that like me, want to hide from the world? How do I find those that know how to conquer these such demons? An eternal oxymoron. Undying paradox.

Questions to add to my string of inquiries.

I'm not blind to my faults, which is why I currently believe that I do not possess a good heart. I've settled in to becoming an ice queen. I comprehend that my greed for control is the number one cause of my chronic stress. I understand my unfortunate genetics of depression and anxiety have caused other severe personality flaws like flakiness. I also know that I do not possess the highest IQ, however I recognize my subconscious notions of vanity and egotism. On the flip side, my desire for knowledge keeps me humble.

I blacked out recently. Fainted for at least a minute. Perhaps 30 seconds. It felt like I had died and came back to life.

It was completely traumatizing: several medical personnel trying to wake me up. Once I came to, I still couldn't answer. Have you ever been in a dream where you want to run but can't, you're frozen?

I experienced that same sensation. Only it was real.

It forced me to appreciate the power and fragility of the human mind. In an instant, everything that makes you who you are as a human- your mind-  can shut down. You can cease to function. Existence is as beautiful as a firework.

It caused a ripple effect in my everyday thoughts for days thereafter. I couldn't stop replaying the event in my mind. I became cognizant that my memory is my most precious resource, and it would be shameful to let it go to waste.