Complicated to a new level

Chapter 9 - Trash

I couldn't think, my heart was in my throat. I was terrified for what we would talk about and knowing the courage to talk about my feelings were coming. We were walking away from her group and I noticed Sean kind of trailing behind us, like right behind us. As if he was going to come for this walk with us. When Ali noticed him she turned around and grabbed his forearms in her hands. Asking him if we could have some alone time for now and that she would come back after. He looked a little uncomfortable, like he didn't want to be left alone with the other two he was with. He nodded though, understanding of what she wished.

Off we walked, even though it was only like 10 – 20 metres from everyone else. It felt like 100. I was trying to build up courage while we walked in silence. Trying to figure out what to say to her and not stuff up and sound stupid, but also sound like I care. I asked her if we could sit and so we did. She was silent, she looked so awkward, as if she did not want to be there at all. As if she did not want to talk about us at all. But she also looked terrified about what I was going to say. So I started.

'I am sorry for getting emotional at you yesterday. I did let my emotions get the slight better of me. I am just confused though. I don't know what you want from me. And that's the one thing I'm not good at. I'm not good at not knowing.' I pleaded

She breathed out a long sigh, on which I can tell she was also trying to work out what to say. 'I know. I should have told you as well how I was feeling. And I am sorry for that. As I said yesterday, my mind has started going to a really dark place again. And it's scaring me. Like really scaring me. And yeah. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know anything. Like I like you. But I also don't want a relationship, I've been hurt bad in the past. And they didn't end very well.' She stated.

Trying to take in what she was saying was difficult. It was playing on my heart strings, like she likes me and stuff. But she doesn't know what she wants. It only continued to confuse me on what I should do. 'That's okay, I don't want to push you into anything, I've never wanted to do that. And I am sorry your mind has gone dark, it's something no one ever wants and can control. But what do you want? From me?'

I watched as she looked down, contemplating her answer. 'I don't know what I want from you, all I know is that I like you. But I also started to like this other guy. I guess I started to push you both away to try to work out what I wanted. I'm not very good with relationships, they scare me.' She finished. Her eyes looking into mine dead straight. They kind of looked confusing to me, they were pleading me to understand, but there was also a hint of emotionless there. Like she was trying to hide or shut me out or something. I'm still unsure what it was.

'It's okay, I can understand that. Feelings are confusing, they always have been. You can just work it out, I won't push you into anything. I don't want to.' I finished, my eyes looking into hers. I was trying to get her to see I can understand, but at the same time in my own head I was trying to work out what to do. And she wasn't helping me in deciding that very well. The train came almost immediately after I finished my sentence, so she went back over to her friends. And unlike my usual train station experience, I did not go back with her, I went to my own friends.

We were technically okay that day, we had sorted it out and we had a joke or two and a hug good bye after the train while waiting for our busses. It was fine. I was still so confused by her though. I tried to message her that night. She continued to act the same, maybe even worse. Just being blunt with one worded answers and trying to end the conversation. I didn't know what to do. I had thought we had tried to talk it out, but it didn't change anything. It made it worse.

I was talking to Ty most of Saturday after my talk with Ali on Friday. We mainly spoke about Ali. He had asked how we were and I said. I don't know. And he had proceeded to tell me what had happened on Friday. He had hung out with her on Friday. At one point, Ali saw me and made Ty and her go the opposite direction. When Ty asked why, she proceeded exclaiming I was getting clingy, because I hugged her around her waist from her back once. And she hates her back being touched. Something she had also neglected to tell me. I won't deny that I didn't particularly like her saying that about me, I guess she also didn't want to tell Ty everything. I've always had a weird thing when it came to the word 'clinginess' trying my utmost hardest to not be clingy and not be that person. Due to how much I despised when my ex boyfriends, while thinking I was straight, proceeded to do that to me.

It was what Ty told me after that, that really upset me. I had known of Ivan, at the start of Ali and I. But she had told me that he was the only one who liked her, and that she was just meh and there were no feelings at all. That Ty had wanted them together more than she did. I found out a week before she had made that adorable post directed towards me, stating how beautiful, and amazing I am, and such and such. She had told Ivan that she liked him and that they had started a thing under a week earlier. They had been getting a bit more serious when she made that post. And then completely dropped him out of nowhere as if she didn't care for him at all.

Although I know that she did drop him for me. I think what got to me and made me angry is that she made that post for me. Another person, while she had just told Ivan she liked him and wanted him. In my mind, that wasn't right. There was no loyalty there and she had done this while liking him, not caring whatsoever about how that could affect and hurt him. For all I know she could have done that to me. What would stop her from doing that? I'm not special? She doesn't even have the decency to message me first now. I know there was nothing official or anything, but even she had said she is loyal to someone when she talks to them.

After finding out that, I had decided I would not be messaging her first now, if she wanted to talk to me, she could. And I had stood by that too. I guess the thing that hurt the most was that she didn't. At all. Not one single message, or snapchat or acknowledgement at school. It was like I was dead to her. As if I had never existed. Something I thought I had meant to her had turned out to be exactly the opposite. I felt like complete trash she just tossed aside to be thrown out. That she didn't give two shits about me.

It made it even worse when I was with my friends at school around our area. Where she knew exactly where I hung out. She had walked past there a couple times with Izzy. Completely ignoring me. My own reaction being hurt and scoffing at how immature she was. What really hurt though was when she walked past with a boy I had never seen before, and never even heard her talk of before. I automatically thought it was the other boy she liked. My own blood boiling. I had never been a jealous person before. Boy did that make me jealous though. Just the thought of her with someone else while I wanted her. That hurt. But the fact that she would walk straight in front of me with him. And I don't mean like 100 metres away. I mean literally 5 metres away. I felt like she was literally trying to hurt me and show me she didn't want me and that I really didn't mean anything to her.

I didn't even know if that was him. But knowing her, and knowing the way she acted with people she 'liked', it damn well looked like it was. So much for shutting us both out. I felt like I was just the next Ivan. She did to me as she did to Ivan.

A.N. I am nowhere near finished, still a lot of this story to come. Stay tuned guys. There's more to come, just try to be a bit patient with me! I love you all.