Anxiety

First Day of High School...

It's the first day of high school and I can't wait but what will the other students think of me? Will they be nice? Will they be a bunch of assholes? What will I wear? Will they hate me? Ok wait no calm down Liz, you can do this. Just get though the first day without having an anxiety attack please. I'm wearing my favourite ripped jeans and my striped white and black t-shirt with my leather jacket and boots. I've tied my long blonde hair into a messy bun and looked in the mirror. Do I need makeup? I feel okay today so I think I can go without makeup but maybe just a bit of mascara. My friends say I'm beautiful but I never seem to feel beautiful no matter what someone says. Mum says I have to catch the bus to school but all the people yet she still refuses to take me for she has to go to work and take my baby brother to day care.

I'm walking to the bus stop and the roads are dead silent for the work rush traffic hasn't started. I put my earphones in and hum to my music, it's my favourite too. Classical music. The music takes me somewhere I can't explain and I just easily zone out of conversations, meetings and everything really. Once I've gotten to the bus stop no one else is there, what if school doesn't start today? No I'm just early, I'm sure and just as I had told myself people started to arrive slowly but surly. Once the bus arrived we all piled on which made me feel very uncomfortable being pushed onto the bus. Then I sat down at the very back of the bus so no one were to pay attention to me and I could get off the bus last without any pushing. I zone out for most the bus ride until...

The bus comes to a jolting stop and we all get yanked forwards hard. A car had suddenly out of nowhere pulled out in front of our bus and as everyone went back to what they were doing while I sat there in complete terror. My breathing started to become heavier and my chest felt as if there was a huge weight on it. The world around me slowed and sped up at the same time then I felt dizzy. I knew the moment that happened I can't control it no more, it becomes the unstoppable monster growing inside of me. I try to do what my psychologist told me to do and picture the anxiety spreading though out my head and my body. DoIng this just makes everything so much worse and I think to myself "okay I'll be okay we're almost at school we're so close, come on you can do it". But the thoughts do nothing but make me think of worse. The bus may crash what if it crashes? How will my parents find out? What if then I go into a coma and never come out for months? The weight on my chest, the dizziness in my head and the heavy breathing doesn't fade and remains there and slowly is becoming worse. By the time we're around the corner from school I've started to calm myself as much as I can right now. Once I've gotten to school and the bus has gradually pulled to a stop in the bus bays I wait until everyone leaves then get off the bus myself.

I've turned to get to the year 7 lockers. I'm greeted by my best friend since kinder, Ava. I tell her about what happened on the bus and she gives me a huge hug. She's helped me since the beginning of my anxiety about 2 years ago when it started it get in the way of my everyday life. I couldn't ask for a better friend.

Throughout the day everything goes fine and better than I expected it too. My class isn't too bad and neither are my teachers. Surprisingly none of the boys so far haven't judged and commented on any of the girls appearances, I repeat they haven't. It's only probably because they don't yet know our names so they don't know how to get our attention yet, but just you wait they'll probably start judging next week. Yay can't wait for that then.

Unfortunately I once almost got close to an anxiety attack today again but luckily I had Ava there sitting next to me. She calmed me down and told me to breath even though I couldn't think straight I got out of it quickly for once. I can never tell how long one of my anxiety attacks will last for and when I'll have one. Good thing is I don't thing anyone looked at me weirdly from what I know and no one talked about me behind my back like in primary school. First day of high is a big success! Okay okay gotta calm down just cause first day went well doesn't mean the other days will. I mean something really bad could happen and I could actually get into a car accident or I could get really hurt and have to go to hospital. Wait no think about the now. These are things I can't worry about because they're in the future I don't know if they'll happen at all. I'll just have to wait and see.

I will be continuing this story so if you want to hear more read on about a life of a girl struggling with anxiety.

Leave comments on how it is and if there's any grammar, spelling and punctuation mistakes because I'm not the best writer in the world.

Thanks,  
From your writer. NightDream