This was written knowing the two video spoilers for episode 7, but not the written diary one that we all found on the channel 4 website, and of course before the episode was aired.
He was kissing her neck.
She didn’t really feel anything.
I guess my insides are whirring. I mean, they have to be right? Because this is it. Finally Rae Earl is going to lose her virginity. Finally.
His hands were under her shirt and she wished she could see something but it was pitch black. She closed her eyes and leaned her head back. Her innards felt tight and anxious. He was touching her breasts and she noticed that her hands were resting limply by her side. And then an image of Chloe flashed into her head.
Chloe crying.
Why am I thinking about that?
And then it was Finn. Finn speaking.
“I don’t mind that you’ve got stuff, really.”
And the image flashed back to Chloe.
“You don’t know what it’s like to walk into a room and everyone look at you.”
But I do know.
But no one was looking at her now. She sought out his mouth and kissed him, thankful for the darkness.
This is right. No one looking at me.
It hurt her – seemed to burn her skin every time his fingers touched her. More painful than any time she dragged a knife across her thighs and felt that numb calmness spread through her.
But there was no numbness this time. It was all raw. Everything hurt.
And again her mind showed her things she didn’t want to see. Things she couldn’t understand. Words on a page: “how do you get over someone… I can’t stop thinking about Rae.”
What is wrong with me?! Here I am about to finally do what every other girl does. What normal girls do. Here I was with a boy that was built for me. He was just like me. People don’t change. I won’t change. This is where I belong.
This is all I deserve.
She sat up suddenly.
“Alright?” Liam’s voice was gruff with inflamed passion.
“I don’t know.”
Where the fuck did that come from?
“Lie back down.”
She reached over and turned the light on. For a moment he was Finn, his eyes filled with… with what? Concern? Filled with… love? No. Not that.
And then her eyes adjusted to the light and she saw Liam. Looking confused and bemused.
“Are you not ready?”
She doesn’t reply, she looks away across his room and then down at her dishevelled clothes.
What’s wrong with me? I’ve gone down on him, I know what’s in his pants. I can totally do this.
It’s not about the sex.
It was a different voice, the same but somehow different. It felt strange in her head this voice, as if it had not spoken up for a long time; a muscle that had been dangerously underutilised.
She stood up without looking at Liam.
“I don’t know what’s…” She gathered her belongings slowly, barely registering what he was saying.
