Stuff

Untitled Part 4

To me before I was in a relationship a hug was just a hug and a kiss was just a kiss, it had no meaning to me what so ever, but even when I did get into my first relationship a hug was still just a hug and a kiss was still just a stupid kiss I didn't feel anything he thought he felt something but I didn't. when I had to tell him I had to let him go which wasn't hard for me because I don't think I was even ready for a relationship then but after a while I realised what he was doing to himself which made me feel like complete shit I felt like such a bitch but now I don't even think about it because he has stoped and i never talked to him again so I'm not 100% sure if he has stopped or not but that Is none of my concern anymore I realized a moth after we broke up, a few months passed and I decided I was ready for a relationship again, so I tried and I found this nice caring, sweet guy who I am guessing liked me back so we ended up dating for a few weeks, it had its ups and down but there were a lot more downs then ups if I am to be completely honest. I wish things would've worked out with him but it just got really hard and super awkward I am not sure what's gonna happen with us I'm pretty sure we are just friends. Which is not what I wanted because I actually really liked him but I guess it was a stupid Idea for me to try again, after we both decided to end it I probably cried for an hour tops and that was it.

it still hits me sometimes to remember that we cut it off and that we are just friends now but friends is better then nothing... I think. us being friends its amazing and all but it gets super hard for me it may not be hard for him but for me it does get hard sometimes and after we stoped dating I don't even know If I could've called it that, but I'm going to anyway because I don't know what else to call it. but back to the point when ever I see his name pop up on my phone whether its just a notification or a message I take a minute to remember it ended and that I can't get happy over something so small and pointless, I use to get so happy when I talked to him and I don't know why because it was just a boy, just a stupid boy and it was just a stupid pointless crush that I had and I didn't think it would get that far, I guess that's why I got to happy when we started dating. there it is again that word, that one word that dreaded word I keep hearing every 5 fucking seconds whether its at home, at school or even when I'm just watching a movie I hear that word all the time and to be honest I'm getting sick of hearing it, I'm sick of trying with relationships and I'm sick of trying to be like all these other girls so that I could maybe just get into a relationship but it has never worked so I just went back to the boring old Mahalia Donohue that hangs out with boys, dresses like a boy and acts like a boy for fuck sake I even have a boy hair cut I could live the rest of my life as a boy and no one would ever know.