Gold Dust Woman

Chapter 3

They'd been standing outside in silence after their confessions, and Camila was glad that Lauren hadn't tried to open it up for discussion - though that was usually Camila's job anyway. Trying to make Lauren talk about her feelings was like trying to convince a shark not to eat you.

She sort of felt obligated to invite Lauren inside, because it had to be at least 1 a.m. and she was starting to get cold and she didn't feel finished yet (maybe Lauren was right - she still did need closure), but she wasn't ready to let her back in yet. Not in her apartment, and definitely not in her heart.

Lauren seemed to read her mind.

"Do you want to sit?" She suggested, gesturing to the car they'd both been leaning against. Camila hesitated, avoiding Lauren's eyes because she wanted to make this decision for herself and she'd never been able to say no to those eyes.

"We'll probably start arguing again," she admitted, giving Lauren a way out and acknowledging all the unresolved feelings between them. She couldn't promise Lauren that she wouldn't pick another fight, and she'd grown used to expecting arguments from Lauren anyway. But instead of taking the out, the faintest, shadow of a smile played across Lauren's lips. Part of Camila thought Lauren liked the idea of fighting again, as twisted as it was. Camila always hated fighting, but Lauren was reckless and angry and so fucking passionate, and so maybe she kind of like the thrill of the fire, and maybe some part of Camila liked that about her too.

"It's better than watching you walk away again," she finally said as she pulled out her keys and unlocked the door.

Camila felt her cheeks blush at that, and she was a little upset that Lauren thought she had the right to say that to her, but she still climbed inside the passenger seat with her heart thumping like she was sneaking out for the first time all over again, like she was sixteen and slipping into Clara Jauregui's car before Lauren really even had her license. I have my permit, so it's close enough, she remembered Lauren giggling into her lips as she put the car in reverse and they chased the moon until sunrise.

Lauren fiddled with the radio for a moment, finally settling on some mix station that neither of them really listened to, but it was just for background noise anyway.

"Are you ever going to forgive me for leaving?" Camila asked timidly. She wanted to sound angry, but she wasn't, not really. Not about that. About so many other things, but not about that.

"I already have, Camz - sorry." She cringed. Camila's full name just felt awkward in her mouth. It didn't taste right.

"It's okay," Camila whispered, because she agreed. She hated how much her name didn't sound like her own when it came from Lauren's mouth.

"I was mad, I think I'm still mad, because it felt personal. I don't know. No matter what I did, no matter how much I hurt you, how many times I broke you, you were there. I guess I just forgot that a world without you could exist anymore."

"I would've been there forever, if you let me, Laur. But you can't blame me for finally leaving after all the years you spent telling me to go."

"I don't blame you, not anymore. Honestly, Camz," (she didn't correct herself and Camila let it slide), "I'm proud of you for leaving."

Camila didn't expect that. She didn't expect that at all.

"You should've done it years ago. You should've left before I had the chance to ruin everything." She was shaking her head now, and Camila wasn't sure what to do because a part of her agreed with Lauren, but a bigger part of her wouldn't have given up a single memory, even the bad ones, no matter what.