Gold Dust Woman

Chapter 4

Lauren's hand was cold against her cheek - why was she so cold? Lauren had always been so warm - but suddenly she was pulling away and letting her head fall into the steering wheel, apologizing in broken whispers. Camila was frozen, not just because it felt like the air had just turned to ice in Lauren's car, but because she honestly didn't know if she wanted to comfort the other girl. She didn't exactly want Lauren to be hurting, but after so many years of the same damn scene, wiping Lauren's tears and singing Lauren to sleep and loving Lauren until she was ready to love herself, Camila wasn't sure she wanted to stick to the script anymore.

She put so much effort into loving Lauren, she never bothered learning how to love herself.

But she was twenty now and she was finally learning, finally taking baby steps and overcoming that whisper in the back of her mind that put her in the hospital more than once and it felt so good. Somehow, the idea of comforting Lauren felt pretty much like tossing a green keytag into oblivion and dammit she worked hard for that 60 days clean (75, but who was counting).

She couldn't help but wonder exactly when she started thinking of Lauren like she was a drug.

Maybe it was the first time she met her.

Maybe it was the first time she kissed her.

Maybe it wasn't until she realized she'd still let Lauren crawl into her bed at night, even after she stumbled in smelling like overpriced cologne with hickeys on her neck that Camila didn't put there.

Or maybe it wasn't until Camila tried to leave and finally understood what a withdrawal felt like

"I'm sorry I couldn't tell you back then," Lauren continued, still hiding her face in the steering wheel. It was dark but Camila could still see Lauren's outline and she ached to just reach out and touch her but she wasn't sure she was ready for a relapse.

"I"m sorry I let it get this bad, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry, god I'm sorry -"

"Lauren," Camila tried, but it came out like a whisper and she didn't mean it to, she meant to sound strong and confident and reassuring, but watching Lauren fall apart in front of her was just too much to handle. Lauren just kept repeating herself, tapping her head against the steering wheel and gripping it so tightly that her knuckles were turning white. Camila's arms felt heavy and her chest felt full because she knew how much it hurt to ruin everything, how much it hurt when your world burned down from the fire you ignited. She spent 3 months wishing Lauren would finally own up to what happened, but it didn't feel like she thought it would to see Lauren like that.

So she reached out, slowly, just to touch her shoulder in the most purposefully platonic way she could think of, but the second Lauren turned her eyes up at her, she remembered why she'd never really been able to be completely platonic with Lauren in the first place.

When her body moved, she was honestly just as surprised as Lauren was. She pulled herself over the center console and positioned herself over Lauren's lap, taking the other girl's face in her hands and brushing the pads of her thumbs against Lauren's fluttering eyelashes. They were wet, and leaving streaks of mascara on her skin, but she hardly noticed.

"Shhh, it's okay, baby, it's okay, it's okay," she repeated, over and over, kissing the tears spilling down Lauren's cheeks and she didn't know how long she did it, but eventually she realized Lauren wasn't crying anymore. Just holding her so tight she struggled to find her breath.

Or maybe that was because Lauren was just looking at her, the way only Lauren could.

She had her knees pushing tight against both sides of Lauren's hips and she had Lauren's hair wrapped in knots around her fingers, and Lauren was just looking up at her like she was made of gold, like she was the sun, looking at Camila the way Camila spent four years looking at her.

Lauren didn't dare move. Not her hands, not her eyes. She kept them glued to Camila's own like she'd break the moment if she so much as blinked. Camila could've swore she was holding her breath.

She looked so fragile, and Camila thought maybe she wanted to shatter her.

So she did.

She kissed her slow at first, soft, so soft she wasn't sure if she'd really even touched her. It almost felt like a memory.

But then Lauren whimpered Camz into her mouth, fucking whimpered, and the next thing Camila knew she was kissing Lauren like her life depended on it.

Definitely a relapse.

She pushed her tongue into Lauren's mouth, dragged it along her lips and let it flutter across Lauren's own tongue until she finally felt used to her mouth again.

Her lips were chapped and wet and kind of salty from the tears. She tasted like smoke, and a little bit like cherries, but mostly like heartbreak.

Camila captured Lauren's bottom lip in her mouth and she bit down so hard she felt Lauren's whole body go rigid, felt a gasp escape from Lauren's throat, and she quickly pushed their lips together again so she could swallow the sound.

Now Lauren tasted like blood.

Lauren's hands were hesitant, Camila could tell because they pretty much just stayed firm against her hips, but she didn't care because she'd moved down from Lauren's mouth and had her teeth latched around a piece of skin under her jaw and it was just so soft. When Lauren's fingernails dug into the skin around her hips, she bit down even harder, and she let her tongue paint a lazy shape around the bruise she could already feel forming.

Lauren shuddered at the contact.

It wasn't until Camila started grinding her own hips against Lauren's that she finally gave in and let her hands wander. She was still hesitant, like she wasn't sure what they were doing (wasn't it obvious?), like she wasn't sure what she was allowed to do anymore.

She let her fingers dance up Camila's sides under her pajama shirt, tracing each one of her ribs like she was trying to memorize her body all over again. As if it was something she'd actually be able to forget. She finally settled on Camila's thighs and circled her fingertips across the exposed skin until Camila abruptly stopped kissing her.

Camila avoided Lauren's eyes on purpose, those damn eyes that got her into this mess in the first place, and dragged Lauren's top over her shoulders. She didn't even skip a beat before she averted her attention down and started fiddling with the button of Lauren's pants. She didn't know why she was in such a rush.

Maybe it was because she always felt like Lauren was just a second away from leaving.

"You know we shouldn't," Lauren warned, using one hand to push Camila's face up to meet hers, but her other hand was too far up Camila's thigh to mean it.

"No, we really shouldn't," Camila agreed, jerking away from Lauren's grasp and popping the button in one swoop.

So basically, they made about as much progress with that conversation as they ever had.

Lauren tried to pull Camila's shirt off too, but Camila just smacked her hand away while she trailed sloppy, open mouthed kisses down Lauren's throat, and, well, Lauren wasn't exactly in a position to complain so she didn't try again. She just closed her eyes and held on to Camila wherever she could.

And Camila shattered her.

She shattered her, and then she shattered her again, and then she got out of the car without another word before Lauren had even put her shirt back on.

She also watched Lauren's car from her apartment window for twenty minutes before Lauren finally drove away, but Lauren didn't know that.

For the first time in months, she couldn't stand the idea of going to bed alone. She knew she was the one who ran off downstairs, but she couldn't deny that a part of her still hoped Lauren might finally chase her.

Those damn green eyes were more dangerous than heroin.