cancer ;; [taekook]

\\12\\

[The city in the photo is not actually Mokpo]

I don't desire him. Not in the way you are probably thinking about.

I wish I could look him in the eyes again and say that I love him.

I really do love him.

Kissing him for the first time was like breathing again after taking my breath for months. Maybe years.

He was never good with worlds. That was my talent.

But the first time he said he loved me, he used the most beautiful worlds I've heard, something I couldn't ever say, not even me, that I consider speaking my only talent.

But let me explain all the story:

We were sitting on a bridge in Mokpo, looking at the sun rising and reflecting on the sea.

We were up since the day after's morning, but we weren't tired. We were insomniac. I think he still is.

He asked me: "sometimes you don't feel like you're in the wrong place? Like.. Don't you ask yourself what are you doing in the same exact place for about fifteen years, without exiting the city? I think about it a lot."

"We've been in Seul a lot of times with school."

"It's not the same. Like we went alone or we went somewhere new. Like, going with school? Professors looking at you all the time, not even a free moment. And the thing is always Mokpo-Seul; Seul-Mokpo."

"They're great cities."

"I know! But- ugh, got it. You don't care about it."

"I do care about it, you stupid. But I don't know if you noticed: we're not in the position to do what we want."

We looked in the eyes, and I knew what was happening in his mind. I sighed.

If you're thinking that we went to Seul, I'm sorry to tell you that you're wrong.

We did not have money, it was like 5 a.m. and Mokpo is really far from Seul. I mean, it's really far from Seul if you're not even a total fifteen-years-old.

We went around the city, taking photos, for a while.

I had been up till late before, but I never walked around in the city. I never saw the streets in the soft fog of the morning, I never saw the tired sun coming up and wake up all the city.

I kept my nose up looking at the sky and at the top of the skyscrapers the whole time. I know he kept his eyes on me, instead.

"You had never seen the streets this early, didn't you?" he asked me.

"Did you? You look like you've seen this all."

He smirked "I do this every morning. I thought you did too, honestly."
"No... You know my parents wouldn't let me."

He had this bad habit to say whatever came up in his mind, and so he did that time "So I'm glad they're dead."

I said nothing. He apologized afterwards, because he knew that hurted me. The fact that he said it felt like a knife in the heart, but I was used to.

We stayed silent for a while. I wasn't in the mood to talk, even if the city looked like heaven, and he knew it was his fault.

"Hey, I'm really sorry, I don't know what came up to my min-"

"It's okay. I mean, things happen, we have pass them on and continue our lives."

"No, we don't. I'm an asshole, sorry for saying that. I don't know why I did it, but now I regret it. And don't say it's okay, because it's not." he stopped walking, and so I did. We were in a usually lively street, but it was really early, so there were just a few people, that didn't pay attention to us. "I know sometime I say stupid things like this one-"

"It wasn't stupid" I interrupted him. "Just a little hurting."

"You should tell me if I say things that might hurt you, even just a bit. Sometimes I just say things and don't think about the consequences until it's too late. And I'm very sorry for it! But you know me, and you know I wouldn't ever hurt you, because you've always been there for me when no one else was. I wouldn't have friends without you."

"Okay, but why are you telling me this? I told you it's all rig-"

"It's not! You always keep the pain inside of you, but you don't understand that if you're hunting, I'm hurting too! You're literally - you're literally the only one I've got. And I'm not telling you this because I want you to know that I'm alone and stuff - you know I don't care about the others -, I'm telling you this because I want you to know that I don't want anybody around me, but you. Everyone's so annoying, they keep on giving their pain to you without asking if you need help - they only care about themself. But you care about me like not even my dad does."

I couldn't breathe. I wasn't even able to think, I could just look at him and listen.

"Listen, you know how much I suck with words, but somehow this morning I can talk like a normal person would, and so I take this opportunity to tell you some things I could never in a normal situation: you're literally the most beautiful person I've ever seen in my life, like, I wish I could photograph you everytime you breath. I think you don't undertand, but everyone you meet thinks you look like an angel. Because you are - you freaking are. You saved me, you know? You saved me. And I can't talk because I'm super nervous, but, I love you, and I know I might sound stupid but I'm such an idiot for telling you all that hurting stuff, but I can't help it, I was born like this, but I would never, ever, do it, if I only was smart enough to stop my mouth when I can."

"You're smarter than what you thin-" and he kissed me. As I said it was like breathing again after taking my breath for years. He had two soft lips I never wanted to stop kissing. I dreamed about that kiss before, but never thought he could taste so sweet. He also tasted like the million of candies we ate when we were kids, like the tears he had crammed down his throat, like happiness and angryness at the same damn time.

We were lucky there wasn't anyone interested near us.

We are in the year 2017, but people still can't understand that you love who your heart says, not them.