Becoming Rachel

The First Time

The First time I saw you, was the first time I swore my heart swooned. But I was 16 and my selfish heart didn't know better, but furthermore the hear wants what I wants even thought I was head over heels in lust with another. My brain whispered thoughts of doubt, that my naive heart belonged to another. Even though we were on the edge of calling it quits.

My eyes begged to be noticed by yours, my heart tried to conquer up some courage to encourage my shy self to introduce myself or even say hi. But every chance I got I was racked with guilt because my thoughts were still claimed by another. Another who mentally abused me every chance he got.

But you, pushed him out of my mind with your charming smiles and funny jokes that you said when you thought I wasn't paying attention. But when it came to you I was like clay, stubborn at first but eventually molding and giving into you. 

But who knew the day I got fired, would be he last time I see you for a year.

The first time you took me out on a date was blissful. But I should of been more careful. 

The first time my broken eyes met your ember brown ones I swear I knew you were the one. The one who I'd finally have a future with. Someone who wouldn't mentally abuse me. That you'd be there for me whenever my depressed mind called. You'd be the one who would heal me, help me become my better self.  

The first time you brushed your soft pink lips touched my chapped ones, I knew one thing this is what it feels like when someone cares way more about you then they do themselves. That day I fell for you, hard like a baby bird falling out of the nest without knowing how to fly. The second time you kissed me I knew you felt the same as I did.

The first time you sang/played  Breezeblocks by alt-J is the moment I knew I was in love with you. Head over vans, 1000% in love with you. If you jumped off a bridge I would of done it eventually. That's how powerful your emotional hold on me was. But I should of known something after that day was that you had started to become distant.

The first time we had sex, I knew we weren't making love,because you don't make love or at least at that point you didn't. I knew that it would fix the space between us.

Having sex while watching horror movies was your favorite thing, that and your jam sessions while I tried to keep myself way from your lips as I cranked out a couple of papers and french assignments. That was bliss, sitting on your tattered and uncomfortable beige couch trying to ignore your terrible attempts to get me to come lay in bed with you after your Jam session didn't get my attention as I studied away. As you hummed quite off key the first line of Left Hand Free, my eyes darted from my chicken shit of french notes to your honey brown eyes that never left my lips.

The first time and only time he  into my dorms and brought me flowers, before the fighting began, before the doubts set in and memories were forgotten.  The night he called me while he was walking down my hallway looking for my door. Knocking of it while he was still on the phone with me