Confession of a stubborn kid

The decaying relation between a father and daughter.

Dear Dad, 

         You must be wondering why I did so. Your fingers are trembling right now but please, calm down for a minute and go through this letter. There are things that I wanted to tell you for a long time but it was a herculean task. The time has finally come when I'm about to reveal it. Please read it. You won't regret later, Dad. Before you get started, I want you to know that my head's under water but I'm breathing fine.
        
              Yes. I hated you for getting married again. I hated you for bringing another woman in Mom's place. I was only 3 years old when she was diagnosed with cancer. You never explained to me what pancreatic cancer is, but you promised to bring me a new mother. Did you ever ask me, whether I needed a mother? No right  ? Why did you allow someone else's child in our house?  Why did you ask me to share all my favourite belongings with someone who I don't even know? Why did you scold me for not taking care of her? Why did you slap me for being reluctant to call that lady "Ma"? Why did you give me just a book on my 10th birthday but a barbie doll along with a beautiful dress on that other girl's natal day? Why did you always take her  side?
          I always had these questions hovering around my mind. I was naive beyond my years to understand why you did all of these to me. Today, I can finally decipher every reason behind all my problems but sadly, I can solve none of them.
          In 5th standard, the tall dusky boy in my class called me skinny and that compelled me to hit him against the wall. I know, you were pretty embarrassed to hear about my behaviour from principal Ma'am.
            When I turned 12, I happened to catch up foul languages and use them at the woman you brought home along with her daughter. You were tired of teaching me mannerisms and the bruises that you left on my body with your belt made no difference because I got used to it.
             At 15, I found a different world to survive. Boys, friends, parties, cigarettes. I don't know how I got influenced by people and did everything which you objected to. Probably, I seeked solace from it. The viscious boys in my class had become my companions.
             At 17, I met someone who became very dear to me. Someone  who I could rely upon and someone who promised to be there for me always. Sadly, I was stupid enough to believe in his words. The list of temporary people in my life was increasing day by day. The fact that you can't trust anyone was when I found my "dear" person making out with my so called "best friend".
             I couldn't deal with the heartbreak and was driven into isolation. I was scared of people. Locking up myseIf in my room was the only option left for me. I didn't turn up for days. I felt like an alien whenever I tried to come out of my room. I had literally lost the number of counts I visited pubs and put all your money into waste. I'm tired of keeping myself away from the outside world. There have been times when I have been so high that I failed to protect myself from pigs who tried to get into my pants.
            It's twelve past five minutes. I have turned twenty. You're not able to accept what you've seen. Today, I want to apologize for all the wrong that I had done. Earlier, I would think that you've failed to be a good father. After reading all the letters that mom had left instore for me, I realized that you married someone else not because you didn't love mother. You did it because you didn't want me to be deprived of mother's love. You scolded me often so that I can take responsibilities. Although, I still hate you for taking sides of my step sister. Probably, you did it because you didn't want her to feel like an outsider. You thought I'm a grown up but that innocene in me was still there. I was as emotional and immature as Ritticka. You couldn't protect me from demons. How could you? I never shared a word with you. I always felt unwanted, unloved and uncared. Tormenting that lady in our house every now and then was wrong. She tried to be a friend to me but I could never give her Mom's place. I chose to ignore the sleepless nights you had to go through looking for me whenever I did not return home. I know you kept food for me in the kitchen whenever I skipped my meals. You tried to show your love for me but somewhere I played the role of a stubborn, obnoxious kid. In these 19 years of my life, I have met several people who promised to stay but all that they did was : use me, ruin me, throw me into the garbage bin. I have given you nothing but pain and disappointment. I always wanted mother back. I needed her love. There were days when I looked at stars and see them shine. Maybe, it was Mom smiling back at me. The moon had been my only true companion who visited me every night and never betrayed. I was one of the most hopeless and  helpless creatures in the world.
            Every year you got me my favourite chocolate cake but I refused to accept it. Today, the same thing has happened but in a different way. I feel relieved after letting everything out of my mind. I know, you're ashamed of me. I have realized my mistakes and I'm sure you'll understand your ones too. Sometimes, it feels good to confess under the right circumstances. Mum is perhaps waiting for me. I want to lay down in her arms and listen to her lulIabies. Everyone has a purpose in their lives, that purpose is over for me now. I know, you'll find it sickening to see my corpse lying in the bathtub full of water. But, it is what it is. In some other lifetime, we shall meet again.
            Don't worry Dad .
            My head's under water but I'm breathing fine.