I sat alone in my dark, cold and lonely room, the windows were tightly shut to prevent the harsh winter air from entering my room, yet it felt so very cold. I had alot of friends, I really did, but I felt like I wasn't included in whatever they did. Of course this was a very foolish thought because my friends had definitely always included me in everything and I was never truly left out, yet I couldn't help but feel like it. It was very selfish of me to think so but I just couldn't help it. My low self esteem was a part of me and our unwanted bond can never be broken.
I pulled my knees closer to my chest and my body trembled as I let out another silent sob. This had been the normal for me, Sitting in my cold, dark room, hugging myself because I have no one else to do so for me. This was a secret that only my bed, my room, and myself knew. My family members still haven't caught on to my depression and my worries, but it's okay, I didn't want them to. This was fine. Alone was fine.
As another silent sob slipped through my mouth I promised myself tomorrow will be better, even if those words were just empty lies I fed myself.
Groaning, I sat up and immediately my head started pounding from the excessive crying I had done last night, but it was fine, nothing I wasn't used to. I rubbed my eyes and set my feet on the cold ground, my nose scrunching up from the feeling. Letting out a sigh, I made my way to the bathroom.
I stood there infront of the bathroom mirror after finishing my daily morning routine which consisted of taking a quick shower and brushing my teeth, and then came the final step, practicing my fake smile once again. If I say so myself, it was so dazzling to the point that I almost fooled myself but I knew better. I didn't want anyone to ask me about the ever growing eye bags under my eyes so I applied concealer on them. "fuck gender roles eyeliner is fabulous on me" I mumbled. I took one last look at the mirror and left the bathroom and trotted back to my room.
I wore any outfit I had found in my closet, which was a grey jumper and a pair of white washed skinny jeans. Going down the stairs I spotted my parents sitting on the couch, each with a bowl of salad in their hands. I put on that dazzling fake smile and greeted them. They didn't turn around and gave a tired wave back. I sighed, again nothing I wasn't used to.
I left without bothering to eat breakfast or letting out another word. The way to school was the same, the sky being too bright as if mocking me, the weather perfect, too perfect. I hate today. It's too happy and bright for my mood, even the world doesn't seem to care about what I'm feeling and just acts on its own again. Life is too bothersome.
As I was walking I spotted a newly opened shop and suddenly my breath was knocked out of my lungs. I saw the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life. I had seen you. You looked as if you were shining and you were luring me in, tempting me with that beautiful body of yours. A weird feeling spread through me as I noticed you were staring back at me and I quickly turned away. 'Huh that's weird. why do I feel so...hot?' I thought as I took long strides to reach school quickly. My body and my heart were begging to stay but my brain had different ideas and I, of course followed my brain.
The walk to school wasn't long yet it had felt so and at several moments I caught myself thinking about you. Your image was burned onto my brain and I couldn't stop thinking about you. How could you be so perfect? I'm scared. I haven't experienced anything like this before. What is this feeling? Why do I keep thinking about you?
The warmth in my body that I had felt earlier was immediately lost and the cause being some random guy calling me out because of my eyeliner. I grew pale and uncomfortable but I didn't show him that as it would make him feel satisfied. So I did the right thing to do, the thing any guy would do in a situation like this. "Thanks!" I said flipping non-existent long hair and scanning my finger nails "Glad you realised I'm gay. I take pride in someone calling me gay you know? Just goes to say how well my make up is and how well I sway my hips. I bet even you won't be able to resist this." I said motioning to my body. "Haha but thanks again! Toodles!" I turned on my heel and inwardly screeched, leaving the guy con fused and possibly scared. I fucked up. Royally fucked up.
After my little show everyone was back to their own lives, including me. The day passed by quickly and before I realise it, I was already on my way home. Walking home I noticed the same shop and again I couldn't help but stare at you, you were just so dazzling it was hard not to stare. I looked both sides before crossing the street and walking up to the newly opened shop.
I walked up to the person standing behind the counter, glancing around, taking a good look at the place. It was small but filled with instruments from keyboards to clarinets. Although there were such a huge variety of instruments you were the most eye catching. I'll say it as much as I need to but you were truly beautiful.
It took me a while to realised I was just awkwardly standing infront of the counter and the person infront of me was repeatedly trying to get my attention. I snapped out of my trance and hurriedly spoke. "Ah, yes I'm sorry I got a bit distracted." I awkwardly laughed and played with my fingers. The person, who I now knew as Felix from his name tag lightly chuckled in response. "It's alright sir I do that sometimes too." He cheerfully spoke his ginger hair slightly falling on his eye lids. "So," he started "Can I help you with anything?" he asked a bit hesitant for some reason. "Oh, yeah actually there's this one instrument that caught my eye, it's the violin. The one placed as a display." I replied. He nodded and motioned me to follow him upstairs, and so I did. After we climbed the stairs we approached you, and I thought I could see you shining. It was truly a sight. Once again my breath was taken away and I fell into a deep trance.
"How much is it for?" I mumbled, still entranced by your beauty "Five Hundred Dollars sir" Felix replied. I hastily took out my wallet and gave him five hundres and a little tip for himself. He took you down from your display. "Please wait a minute until I put it into its case sir" Felix spoke again and I nodded.
It wasn't long until he came back with you in his arms and you were handed to me. I finally had you in my hands and, it felt so good although your case was preventing any direct contact. I walked out with a warm feeling spreading in my stomach and blood rushed to my face. I can't believe I actually had you in my arms.
TBC...
