A pounding beat.
A mighty clanging of glasses.
A roar of shouting and clapping.
Shrill whistles of approval.
This, my friends, are the sounds of a restaurant; a bar; any social setting, really. And, well, I seem to have ended up in one such place. A place where I can't hear myself mutter nervously as people pass by, where the shouts and clapping no longer sting my ears and make me flinch, because they've simply become "background noise" to me. Where people are screaming at each other for a slim chance to be heard over the upbeat music. Most are fine with it. And why wouldn't they be? It's what you'd expect, coming to a place where you can be, and are expected to be, as boisterous as you want. Except I am not part of the "most." Except I do not want to be boisterous. Except I do not like these places. As you can see, there's a lot of expectations and exceptions.
People go to bars to hang out, meet new people, get drunk, have fun. These places are built to fulfill these requirements, to please an audience, if you will. And it works. If you're the right person, which I am not. I am not the right person for many things, as we all are. But on the lengthy list of Things That I Am Not Good At, there lies one that seems to stand out, and it makes people tilt there heads and go "Hm?"
It's understandable, that this is their reaction. It's understandable that this is anyone's reaction to anything they have not experienced themselves, or heard of from someone they know personally.
You tell your friend one such thing that you do not excel at, to put it nicely, and they do the routine "Hm?" just as you would if you were in their position. And so you do your routine explanation, to make them understand a little better. So they understand, and you move on with complaining, and they understand why you are complaining and why it's so difficult for you. There you go. End of story. Understandably understandable, no?
However, after I wait for the inevitable "Hm?" and my role of explaining The Thing passes, there is the second unexpected and misplaced "Hm?" My response to this, understandably, is the same "Hm?" Because this is not how the routine goes; you're supposed to understand and let me go along with the conversation, not throw me another goddamn "Hm?" So they say how they do not understand how this is not at all a problem, not just for themselves, but for anyone.
Fucking excuse me?
I've kept you all waiting long enough. "What is The Thing?" and "What are you so bad at?" and "What do people not understand?" Well, I suppose I've kept you waiting long enough. It isn't much of a big reveal, but, well, here goes:
Social Anxiety.
"But people can easily understand that," you say. Well, either you're one of the people who say "Hm?" twice, or you're so nice and innocent that you don't yet know how stupid people can be. To the double-hm-ers: Stop. I am not talking about the social anxiety that we all get every once in a while with certain people; I am talking about Social Anxiety Disorder. Get it straight.
I clarify to my conversational partner, not in such a rude way, mind you, and expect them to understand it now, to smile and nod and let me continue venting. But they persist, saying "Just get over it, it's no big deal. You're just shy; lots of people are."
No, no, no, we can't have this. Unacceptable. It is a big deal. I am not "just shy." If you can understand why Stacy needs to put on fifty layers of makeup every morning and you have the patience to wait a whole hour for her to get ready, you can understand why I have a disorder that I can't control and just ignore and would, in fact, not like to be dragged with you to a bar for whatever reason.
Hm? What was that? Oh. You don't like this ramble of paragraphs? Hm?
