Creatures Lay Here

32 2 0

by oKpolxx

by oKpolxx

TRIGGER WARNING: suicide, depression, self harm

Um.. hello, I'm Jewel. I have a lot of things that have happened in my life that hurt to think about. It is something I would say I'm ashamed of, just that I don't like to bring up.

Around 4 years ago, I kept progressively got sadder and sadder day by day. I didn't know what this would lead up to. I felt worthless. No purpose. I didn't make anyone happy, and I didn't have a reason to stay alive.

I came to the realization I shouldn't be here. Months of contemplating I couldn't understand why anyone would love me.

All of my friends cared for some reason. All I did was frustrate all the people in my life, I was obnoxious and clingy. I made a reason for everyone I knew how their lives would be better once I left.

For example, my reason for my best friend is that I wouldn't make him cry, feel depressed or need to care about me. He wouldn't have to console me or waste his life or any time on me. I was just wasting time.

I remember the first time I picked up a blade so vividly. I went to my garage and grabbed a blade sitting in a plastic container that wasn't rusted. I clenched it tightly in my hand and ran up to my room. I hid myself on the floor of my closet, which was dim since I kept the light off and the curtain shut.

I was sitting in the emptiness, I stared at the blade. I then put it up to my arm and pushed it down. I tilted it and slid it across my blank forearm.

I felt relieved the second the blade made it's first mark on me. It felt as if when you pick a dead leaf off of a bush. I felt the pain leave. For once I felt like I had control over my emotions.