This is it world, goodbye

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by oKpolxx

by oKpolxx

TRIGGER WARNING: suicide, depression, self harm

This is the part leading up to my suicide attempt. This is the part I also tear up in. Sometimes I full on cry.

It was 2:00 am. I was sitting in my bed, since I just woke up. After school everyday I immediately ran upstairs and went to sleep in total darkness and silence. Sometimes I would need to listen to music or turn on the TV. It depended on whether I was upset on the bus, then I would need sound to avoid going too deep in my mind.

I felt this feeling. A pain in my chest, but it wasn't a regular pain. It was depression. My chest felt as if it was getting torn apart from inside. I couldn't bear this horrible, unworthy pain. I got all of these emotions and I knew it was time. I knew it had to happen. I have been looking down on myself for not doing it before.

For almost 4 years, I've had fantasies of my body hanging from the ceiling light in my bedroom. I always thought I would look better that way. When I felt ugly, I would say to myself how beautiful I would look swinging back and forth with my neck strangled in the noose.

I grabbed a long rope we had in the basement and took it upstairs. I learned how to tie it from my best friend when I was 7. Obviously it wasn't for the purpose of me killing myself, it was in case I was ever in a dangerous situation and I needed a good way to kill someone in defense. His name was Will and he was around 16. He was more like a brother to me than anything.

I had it on the fan and I pulled the chair from my desk over to the middle of my room. I got prepared. My note was ready, I had everything how I wanted. I put that noose on my neck

I stood on my tippy toes and lifted one foot up. I had my life leaning on toes. I went to lift up my foot from the soft, green cushion of my chair as I heard the slightest ding come from my phone, that I left on my night table. I then remembered all the people I would be hurting. I just couldn't do that. I dropped my feet on the chair, took the rope off my neck, and got off the old, wooden chair.

Wiping the tears from my face that were blurring my eyes, I saw that my friend Ash had texted me asking to hang out tomorrow. I needed to see the face of the person I cared so much about. I couldn't believe what I was about to do knowing these amazing people cared about me. I forgot about how everyone would be in pain and not jumping up and down in celebration of my death. I had to pretend everything was normal and nothing happened. It was far from that, but I didn't want to bring anyone into this. I slowly typed with my thumbs, "yeah sure, is around 2 good?" I guess that's another night facing my sorrows...

I know it was weird to say after hearing what happened right before that but,how else was I supposed to make things sound casual?

I had many attempts after a while with many things such as pills, knives, jumping out my window, it's a lot.

When I tried to cut my throat, I didn't go deep enough. I was just bleeding. I ditched school for a couple weeks because of the pain and wore turtle necks. There is a lot more to these, but I just didn't want people to find out about any of this. Not even my mom knows.