can you feel my heart?

*Chris's pov*

I cant fall in love again. not after what happened last time. I pushed joshua away and stood up.

"j-just l-leave me a-alone! your just trying to get close so you can hurt me!" I yelled grabbing my bag and running out of the room. I had tears swelling in my eyes. not because im sad but because im scared. I found the front door amd ran out. I ran down the street and started running home. good thing im in track.

as I neared my house a little while later. my mom hadn't gotten home yet. it was near 6 so I decided to juat have dinner on my own. I walked inside after unlocking the door. I shut it behind me and dropped my bag by the door. my tears had stopped.

i wandered into the kitchen and opened the fridge getting the stuff to make a cold meat sandwich. I put the meat, mayo and mustard on to the counter. I got out the bread and pulled two pieces out. i put the rest of the loaf back after making sure it was closed.

i got out a butter knife and twisted off the top of the mayo. i got some mayo on the knife and smothed it across one piece of bread then did the same with the next piece. i put the knife in the sink and put the lid back on the mayo. i poped open the lid on the mustard and made a mustard smilely face on each piece of bread. i closed to mustard and started placeing the meat on the bread. after i was done  i closed the meat and put everything away. i put the two pieces of bread together and walked up to my room.

i ate on the way up the stairs, when i got to my room. there was a knock on the door. i sighed and walked to the door. i held my sandwich in one hand and opened the door with my other. i looked at the guy standing there. it was joshua. my eys widened and i went to go slam the door on him. he stopped it and slipped inside.

"go away!" i shouted "i dont ever want to see you again!" Joshua didnt listen and pushed me against the wall holding my arms above my head. i dropped my sandwich. it landed on the floor sperating and making a mess. "as-" i was cut off by Jousha's lips chrashing against mine. my eyes swelled with tears once again. its what i wanted, but i didnt think it would bring back so many memories.

*an old memory from when Chris was only 12*

my uncle of 32 had me in a room at the back of the house. he said he just wanted to talk so i trusted him. it started out like a normal conversation. 'how are you?' 'good' and so on. but he got closer to me and started touching me and undressing me. i tried resisting but he was stronger. he had me against the wall with my hand pinned above my head while he raped me. nobody heard him so it continued. and before, we were really close to my moms family. till they all found out what  my uncle was doing to me.

*another memory from summer of sophmore year of high school*

its was just us, me and Drew (Chris' ex-boyfriend) we were at my grandparents summer house at long beach. we walked hand in hand along the shore. he kissed me sweet and passionately. we had been together for 6 months. nobody knew about our relationship because nither of us had come out of the closet. today was our 6 month anniversary, and I was outed by my first love and his gang of trouble makers. they had taken pictures of us kissing and holding hands. he told them it was fake and that he had never loved me and it was all just a joke. that day I swore I would never fall in love again.

*back to reality* *still Chris's pov*

my eyes were wide and tears ran down my face. I turned my head to the side breaking the kiss.

"s-stop...p-please" I whimpered. Joshua let me go and I sunk down to the floor pulling my knees to my chest. I kept crying as every memory of my uncle, and of Drew flooded back. After I had tried so hard at making them go away.