Don't fall, it might hurt

Fresh Start

I awake with a jolt. My body is covered in sweat, and my sheets are soaked. My cheeks are wet from crying and my throats aches from my all screaming.

Fuck. They're back. I need to remember to take my medicine.

I haven't had nightmares in a while. They usually only happen when I forget to take my medicine or I need to change my prescription. I've been pretty good about remembering but I guess the move has my brain on sensory overload.

I'm currently living in Los Angeles, California with my older brother Gage. We just got in last night and barely had time to unpack the moving truck before we crashed from exhaustion. Our house is pretty big but not so much to where me and Gage never see each other. The house has 3 rooms, the guest bedroom, Gage's room, and then there's my bedroom, the master, which has it's own bathroom, of coarse. It has a huge walk in closet, that's almost an entire room on it's own. It also has a small balcony with glass, french doors covered by sheer white curtains. My walls are white, contrasted by my black bed set, bookcase, couch, rug and table. So basically my room is black and white. It may seem a little odd but that's just how I like it . Simple and easy on the eyes. I have a few accent decorations, like my hanging succulent or my various paintings. By yours truly. With my shit storm of a life I enjoy being connected to things like art, music, and even books. I like how they have this almost magic ability to transport you wherever the artist feels like. And how they effect everyone different. That way no one can tell you how your supposed to think or feel. The organic emotions they conjure up within you can drastically change your mood no matter where you are or what you are doing. I can't imagine my life without it, it's almost like a metaphysical limb.

Gage thinks I'm nuts sometimes. Like the death of our parents has left me only a shell of a person. If anything, all it's does is show me who I really am. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and if I could I would bring them back in a heartbeat, but the fact of the matter is I can't. Nothing I say or do will ever bring them back.

After the first move I would think a lot on how I could've saved them. I was depressed and slowly getting worse. I wouldn't eat for days and didn't speak for weeks. Save for the occasional, okay, yes, or no. Looking back it scares me. How close I was to loosing myself. The long walks I would take, just to think, were especially scary. I would just wander off into the dangerous parts of town and not even realize it. I would get lost easy and often find myself without my phone or money for a pay phone. Eventually Gage got to worried and decided to follow me.

*Flashback*

I didn't notice his car trailing behind me for a few miles. He got tired of waiting for me to notice him so he got out and led me to the car. I was barely even away of what was happening I was so deep in thought. When we got home he sat me down, covered me with layers of blankets and popped us extra butter popcorn. He put on our favorite movie from when we were kids, The Little Mermaid. I'm not sure exactly what made me, maybe it was that I finally realized someone still loved me or that there was so much left in life, but right after he sat down and started playing the movie, I seemed to just snap out of. It was like something inside of me clicked. All of a sudden I realized I was doing everything wrong. I didn't want to live like this. Most importantly, I realized that I shouldn't be putting Gage through all of this. All he has done was take care of me when he could barely take care of himself. In that moment all I could think of was how horrible I had been. I knew somehow I had to fix us, fix me. I looked up at his now blurry figure, from under all my unshed tears, and just stared. Wondering how he could be so strong while I'm over here moping around, doing nothing. He looked back at me, with what looked like confusion flashing in his eyes but it was gone as soon as it appeared. We had a completely silent conversation with him confessing all of his fears and with me desperately trying to convey how lost and sorry I was. This all lasted about two seconds before I flung my arms around him and sobbed, horrible gasping sobs, just short of hyperventilating. As soon as I had calmed down a bit, not much, I finally spoke.