ANY DAY NOW

The Unknown

"I miss you".
Never have i ever despised such an arrangement of vowels and consonants. For reasons i fear are undoubtedly the platform of my transition into an emotional void.
I said those words.
I SAID THOSE WORDS.
And for once in my life, my mind body and soul agreed.

Silence was your reply. Deafening silence.

Those words.... Which you regarded as what might've been unorthodox.

For once in my life... Just when things had started to discover the sunny side... Those dark clouds awoke.
Not only that... But for once in my life a synergy of pain and rejection so intense as if it were your hands that touched my skin surged through my heart and mind. The uncharacteristic two, who for as long as  I could remember, have never rode the same wave when it came to you.

And then I realized something. That when distance had wedged itself between us, I had fooled myself into thinking that my absence would have meant your misery. That at night there was this one star you'd named after me to soothe your longing. That some nights, when sleep evaded me and only the thought of you could calm the waves in my tormented mind, I hoped, oh i foolishly hoped, that you were somewhere out there wearing a wistful smile with me on your mind.

But reality had struck faster than light reaches the eyes. I saw the truth. The naked truth. And whoever said the truth hurts...knew every bit what he was talking about.

You never said it back even after i hugged you. Silence does speak volumes. For your response was clear as day.

"You are not my priority".
That was what your silence meant to me.

I wasn't at the top of any list in your life.

I laughed to myself. You were always bad at writing lists... But that laughter failed to hide the pain that nipped at my heart. For somehow you'd forgotten me this time.

It occurred to me that i didn't matter much. That was the day i decided to let you go. Slowly but surely, I no longer wore a smile when i saw you.
Deep regard veered into something shallower by the minute. So shallow it resembled your nonexistent love for me.

So I pushed you to the back of my mind and simultaneously out of my heart.

Eventually our conversations plummeted to monotone "heys" and  "how are yous?"

Our demise came rather speedily. Monotone minutes turned to seconds and then never again. We'd uttered our unspoken goodbyes.

Love had evaporated into thin air. Vanished like smoke. Untraceable. Unattainable. Untouchable. Unseen. Unheard of.

Never to be recovered.

Just like that I no longer knew you. Couldn't even call you somebody that i used to know. We were lesser than that. And i do believe that's as low as it gets.

I came to the conclusion that after 2 years... We were still strangers. Strangers that hugged... Kissed... Touched...

It was obvious, we never really knew each other.

All we had was the spur of the moment.

And like any fragrance that dared to linger... You faded over time.

And then.... I no longer missed you.

How does one miss the unknown?

*************#********\\\

I closed my book and breathed a laborious sigh.

I found no release.

Life had upped the difficulty. And trust me, i was never to good at playing games on the hard levels.

I mean who wastes their time trying to do that?

"Yo Aj!!!" Amair beckoned me.

" What do you want?" I answered as he appeared at the door.

"Skipping the pleasantries i see", He smirked.

"Die young, I've had enough of you", I rolled my eyes but succumbed to the smile that formed on my lips.

" Moving on", he announced," Its hard watching you play yourself like that".

He dropped a little gift bag in my hands.

"When did you steal this?... Cause i know you broker than me. And there's a dessert in my pockets right now". I eyed him.

"Would it kill your BROKE ASS to be just a little appreciative?",  He sneered unravelling the gift for me.

" You made a frame of our baby pictures!!"

"Take it down a notch Tina Tone Deaf", he winced.

" I love it!!!" I hugged him and placed sloppy kisses in his cheek.

"That's gonna need some disinfecting", He grimaced.

"I leave in an hour", I sighed as the excitement wore off.

"Yup", he heaved.

"Why you gotta stress yourself Aj?" He asked.

"Well mother is getting old. Y'all need looking after. How long till she can't work anymore? I gotta go make a life for y'all. This hand to mouth thing won't last for ever. And better ain't coming. Amair , its not.
And i am not gonna sit and watch y'all suffer. When she was down , y'all were my kids. My kids. So i gotta go make something of myself to help you guys. And there is nothing left for me to do for myself, what i can do is for you and Jay and Aja."

"I'm gonna miss you", he smiled sorrowfully.

"You don't know the half of it", I return his embrace.

*********************************

Like a new trend, the plane had took of.

Aj wondered why her mind couldn't function like that. Why couldn't it take off and not look back?

The past haunted her. The present tormented her. And the future instilled fear in her.

She was never to good at being clueless. And her mind tended to resort to thinking if the "what ifs?"

The flight symbolized her opportunity.

And she knew that one slip up meant that everything would come crumbling down.

"This is not the time to make friends. This is the time to focus in what's important", she chanted to herself as she stepped into the elevator of her dorm block. She glanced at the paper repeating the Number.

"320", she exhaled as she stopped at the door.

She reached for the handle. But hesitated.

She stood there weighing the consequences that would follow when she opened the door.

There was no turning back for her and her love for family and not herself propelled her to open the door.

She stepped  in and looked around. There was nothing that interested her. Yes she had received a full scholarship.

And the room was indeed beautiful. But details failed to impress her. For she knew that she had no time to waste. And not even the splendor that she was not used to, was given a minute of her time.

*************************
So first chapter up and more to go. To all those reading this I just want to say, life isn't gonna be easy on you. But don't give up. As cliche as it might sound, sometimes holding on a little longer can do us a whole lot of good.