Reinvent Love

1

     my dad had died just a week before. it was beautiful outside the day it happened. the kind of day you see on motivational posters. a couple wondering clouds, a very slight breeze, the sun seemed to be screaming at me. i guess ive never listened very well. i bet people were walking their dogs that morning. i bet people were enjoying pancakes with their family. i bet people were waking up with hangovers, cringing at the light from their phone but also at the picture of them the night before, drunk as hell and dancing on some bar table. ''how many likes did that get?!? ugh. my life is over.'' yeah well, so is my dad's.

     it wasnt me who found him. i use to wonder what i would have done but i dont think i would have been surprised. he was an addict. with addiction, you die or you get better. it wasnt very hard to predict the outcome. it never is. he wasnt normally up in the mornings anyway, i went out to coffee. i got a call as soon as i arrived. my dad? dead? now thats a surprise i didnt want this morning. i didnt really morn much. i did cry. i cant remember why. maybe pity, maybe i was just crying, maybe i was crying for him because i knew no one else would. not that he deserved it though.

     i called into work and told them. i did the adult shxt i needed to do. and when i finally was alone in my house again, i packed.

     i mean, i didnt pack the whole house. i just knew i needed to get away somehow. it didnt take me long to pack, but it took me awhile to leave. when i did, it was nearly a week later. i shoved all the food we had into the back and i left.

authors note: literally the rest of this chapter got deleted so here i am re writing it. 1400 words deleted. :)

slamming my car door, i burst into anger tears. what a careless thing to do! to just go and die? pure stupidity. death is inevitable but only earned when you've fulfilled something. i imagine your soul feels bursting when you die. my dads wasnt bursting, it was wasted. both literally and metaphorically.

i was driving way too fast. not past the speed limit of course, but fast. the houses sped past and i watched every life inside it become more meaningful to me. man, it bugged me that life was going on. it was like riding a never ending roller coster, i could see and touch and feel the drop in my stomach but i couldn't quite grasp it. one minute my state and surroundings were here, then they were brutally ripped from me.

passing a park i watched two teens kiss, blissfully unaware. i almost rolled down my window and scrame at them. the world will end you idiots! do something productive! the way they smacked their lips together made me want to crash my car. i almost did that too. i thought about it. imagining my steering wheel flipping to the left, right into that tree. my stomach lurked as if i did hit it.  i didnt though, unfortunately.

i didnt miss my dad. i was crying because i knew no one else would. to be quite honest, a hint of pity hit me. poor dad, not even his wife could properly morn him. too bad she was so smart. ate a bullet before i was five, what a way to go. so sure. so ready.

     i almost hit the breaks for a stop sign, no one was coming so its not like i was in any danger, but the way i felt as the sign zoomed past was exhilarating. fuxk, i should have sped past more of those.

   there are times in which you simply cant cut ties and leave. its not fair. some business is meant to be finished. there is always a beginning, a middle and an end. an intro, rising action, climax, falling action, conclusion. closure of some sort. a fucking happily ever.  its engrained into your head ever since you're a child in you're little second grade headspace where the princess always finds her prince. despite that common knowledge, every author has one unfinished story. one that just wasnt meant to be completed. thats how i felt about noxon. every little bit of my soul wanted me to stay.

thats why i wanted to leave.