Torn Between

1.

All Time Low
"Wala ba kayong right mag object? That sucks."

Walking in our school gate, I looked up at our STE Building. Walang bahid ng emosyon ang maipinta sa mukha ko. Naglakad ako patungo sa room ng STE A - 8 para i-check 'yung paper sheet; nagbabakasakali na kasama ako sa listahan.

Ilang beses ko binasa ng paulit ulit 'yung sheet, wala talaga ako. Lumabas mula sa room 'yung mga classmates ko noon at niyakap ako.

"Lily, balik ka next school year, please." Sabi nu'ng kaibigan kong si Patricia sa akin, "Oo nga, 'Ly! Please, please, please!" Sabi ni Roselle. Ngumiti ako at niyakap ko sila pabalik. "Oo, babalik ako, 'wag kayo mag alala." Napaiyak ako ng kaunti, kaya pinunasan ko mata ko bago ako umakyat ng second floor. Patungo sa mga ka-edaran kong estudyante, tumingin ako sa listahan.

Am I that irresponsible? Rank 5 ng STE B - 8 yet, still, hindi pa din sumabit para maging STE - A. I laughed bitterly. Words kept echoing in my mind.

'Matalino ka sana, lax ka lang.'

'Alam mo, sayang katalinuhan mo kung inuuna mo katamaran mo.'

'May mararating ka sana, kaso mukhang pipigilan ka ng ka-iresponsable-han mo.'

I passed the entrance exam for this Science, Technology, and Engineering curriculum, yet here I am not even working hard to strive for the best. I should be laughing and conversing with STE - A right now, but no. Ang bobo ko kasi. I didn't let those words pierced through me. Not an ounce of words.

As I look at the list of names outside our new room, I see names I'm not familiar with. Lalo na, I don't interact with people much last year. Sila Cris lang kilala ko, 'yung mga bumaba lang kasama ko, and a best friend of mine na dati ng STE B. I never really get together with other students, because I'm more of an introvert, who seems like an extrovert. I don't know. An ambivert, maybe?

As I look at the paper sheet stapled in the wall, I saw the other room's list of names. His name caught my attention.

Xyrel Matthew Amello

Si Kuya Xyrel. . . katabi ko lang ng room. Lahat ng STE A rooms na sa baba, bakit STE A - 10 katabi na'min? Katabi pa talaga na'min? Of all the rooms na na sa taas, 'yung room pa nila katabi na'min!

"Lily Xyrel Amandria!" I heard my best friend, Bella, shouting my name. "Titig na titig ka sa ranking sheet ng grade ten, ah! May hinahanap ka?" She said malliciously. I shook my head and smiled at her.

"Wala, 'no. Halika na nga. Sa harap tayo umupo." I said, a little playful, but I wasn't really in the mood to be playful at all, so I sat in front, where I can see the chalkboard clearly. Pero may mali yata sa ginawa ko.

Isang maling pagkakamali, Lily.

I felt anxious. Akala mo nasusunog likuran ko, feeling ko ako 'yung tinitignan, feeling ko ako 'yung pinag u-usapan. Lalo na, bago ako sa section na 'to; lalo na, bumaba rank ko. Fuck anxiety, it's making me feel awful.

Unfortunately, our new adviser, Ma'am Acuña, just arrived and gave us our new seating arrangement. Since sa A nagsisimula surname ko, na sa harap ako, and thankfully katabi ko isa sa mga naging kaibigan ko last year dito sa STE B.

"Catherine!" I bubbly said, since she was a close friend of mine, at isa s'ya sa mga kaibigan ko na mahilig sa anime. Medyo na lighten up mood ko kasi kahit papaano hindi ako ma-o-out of place.