With my brain in auto-pilot mode, I found myself wondering in circles and back and forth bouncing it while waiting for the bus.
There were only two possible options open to me at this point. The first was to accept his invitation and see him again. Even after some time without getting a hi-how-is-it-going message, I was worried of running out of things to talk about in our awkward hypothetical conversation. The second was making up a short and valid excuse or just don't show up. Actually, what was the point of sitting down and having a chat? Could we repair that broken relationship?
Wait... Did I want to crawl back to you?
Damnit.
I've never been a good liar (and never could deceive myself). The truth was that his message was stuck in my head: Hey, I'm back in town. Do you feel like getting something one day after work?
DAMNIT!
I missed my bus stop. I'm ridiculous. I was so absorbed in my thoughts that when I raised my head it was already too late. So, I threw myself back on the seat, pulled my phone from my pocket, and typed: See you tomorrow at noon in Ember's faster than my brain could process it.
We were meeting in our usual café because, as Chavela Vargas sang once, "uno vuelve siempre a los viejos sitios donde amó la vida".
When I arrived, the waitress already had put my favourite tapa and drink on the table: veggie burger and a beer. I couldn't help breathing out a chuckle. Was I that predictable or you knew me very well?
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Well, it didn't really matter.
Surprisingly we didn't talk bout the past as much as I thought, so the conversation was kept positive, short and fun. I was feeling wonderful: we enjoyed each other company so much we didn't have enough with a couple of hours. It was relieving but scary at the same time to see that neither of us had changed at all. I swear I hadn't felt that good in years. I could have stayed there with you forever... but my mom called me and sadly I left earlier than expected.
+So are we meeting in this cafe again?, he asked me with his mischievous smile.
-Well, if I have no other choice... Nah, kidding. We are. Pinky promise.
God knows I always tried to keep my word. I couldn't keep it this time, tho.
After my father died, I couldn't find the strength to neither call him back or to answer his messages.
I reached a point where I was so dead inside that I wasn't aware of my own feelings. Not even aware that I was depressed. Depression was a slow poison. It started to define me little by little, and I couldn't stop it. I was powerless. I did not want to see anybody. I stopped going out with friends and starting feeling so disconnected from everything that I could barely breathe. I just wanted to disappear from this world.
Of course, my anxiety and depression resulted in alcohol and drug abuse. I started dating Patrick and my life changed completely. Although, I wasn't as happy as I thought. I kept pushing myself too hard and getting frustrated with minor mistakes, so my life still sucked. Plus, I did feel guilty about not fixing our friend/relationship (whatever we had)...
One evening someone knocked at my door. I didn't realise I opened HIM the door until I saw his face. They say the worst distance between two people is misunderstanding and, by that time we actually were in different planets. I was shitty face and deeply inside feeling so crappy that dark night that I only remember me slamming the door after the big argument.
Oh well, I remember you saying, you've changed, you're not the same girl I fell in love with.
Devastated. I couldn't articulate a word. I couldn't even shed a tear. I was so frightened that I was enable to move. In despair. Watching him broken-hearted froze my thoughts.
But deep down, I wasn't as numb as I appeared.
I missed him loads, I guess I still loved you, A...
Akshay stopped reading. Oh boy, he whispered. He felt like welling up for a moment, but he just wept.
The poor guy sat on the couch, dizzy, trying to assimilate what he had read about his estranged lover. He would have wanted to have his arms wrap around her waist in that moment to comfort her.
(...)
"No one ever said it would be so hard...
I'm going back to the start."
Too late. She was dead. Drug overdose.
"My dear... Everything is clear to me now. You were the shy girl I met. You never changed. I just didn't pay enough attention", he spoke out loud.
