Such Great Heights

Chapter 5

"Day 36

I know I'm alive because I feel my heart beating – no, not beating.

Racing. Pounding. Thumping.

When she held my hand tonight, I felt something that I hadn't experienced since I woke up. Warmth. I don't know how it's possible but it happened. This girl filled me with warmth.

And when she kissed me before I got out of the car tonight, my heart raced. It was more intense than when it raced of anger from the car crash...it lingered. Whenever I think about the kiss... or even just her... it starts racing again.

Being isolated for a month led me to over-contemplate my existence. I tried thinking up as many scientific and existential scenarios possible about how I am alive right now, and if I even am alive. I thought over and over again about how the life I was living was not truly one worth living in the first place because I was basically a rock. But when I was with her tonight, I didn't think about that for a second. I look back at tonight and I think about how there's no way that I'm not alive.

She makes my body react in ways that I didn't think were possible after waking up. She makes me feel... hope.

I've never been the biggest believer in fate. The idea that you are put on this Earth to fulfill a certain destiny and you can't stray from that path at all? Bullshit.

But... I do think that we meet everyone for a reason. Even if it's just a thirty-second encounter with a stranger on the street, you might have done or said something to change their lives in the long run, or they might have done that to you. I wholeheartedly believe that I met Camila for a reason.

I'm alive, and god, for the first time in 36 days, I am happy that this is true."

These are the words that Lauren writes before collapsing onto her bed with a grin that spread across her entire face. Moments from her date that night was all that she could think about as she closes her eyes and attempts to drift off to sleep that night. The joyous sound of Camila's giggles and laughter that Lauren evoked with her stupid sense of humor ring in her ears. The sight of the other girl's chocolate eyes gazing into Lauren's attentively whenever the green-eyed girl would speak. Camila has a way of making people feel like they're the only two people in the room when she is talking to them. Neither a baby's shrill, abrupt cries in the background nor the shocking sound of a glass plate breaking nearby was enough to distract the girl from their conversation. Most people's attention would break from these things – they would turn their heads toward the sound, pretend to be listening but only be absorbing half of the information, then laughing no matter what was said to try to compensate for the disengagement. Not Camila, though. Her attention belonged solely to Lauren throughout the entire date. This was, perhaps, one of her favorite things about the other girl.

But she already has a lot of favorite things about Camila. She debated writing them down in list format in her journal, yet decided against it at the very last minute, not wanting to be too presumptuous or excited. Lauren's used to things going wrong in her life – specifically relationships. She doesn't want to get her hopes up only to be broken down and set back to exactly where she started: on the balcony of her high-rise apartment, genuinely debating suicide just to try to feel something again.

Just as she's about to fall asleep, Lauren's phone dings with a text notification. Her eyelids shoot open and her hand reaches to grab the device in record time.

Speak of the devil ... or, perhaps for Lauren, speak of the angel. It's Camila.

Camila: Got home safe without incident or accident (to your surprise. Yeah that's right I'm teasing myself before you can haHA take THAT)