Ravings of a mad man

10/07/2017

The waves cease. Is this a sign of a new time of peace or the calm before a new tempest rages? Does it matter? I've released the paddle, or thrown it into the water. The current is my guide on this tour. I am at the mercy of the water, or the invisible hand that guides it. Is that hand a gentle hand? Or rather a fist? Perhaps both, depending on the moment. The thought occurs to me, am I moving at all? Is the motion of the water a cruel ruse, tricking me into the feeling of progress? Perchance am I drifting further out to sea? I blindly grope for the paddle, but will I ever find it? Has it sank to the rocky depths? How long have I been grasping for it? How long have I been lost at sea? I try to remember the land. Have I ever seen it? Perchance mere glimpses of it, or maybe in a dream i once had. Perchance in a nightmare. I stop. The water is calm. I sit for a moment. I take a deep breath. What is my current goal? To reach land? Where is land? No. Land must not be my goal yet. Control? Yes. I must regain the control of the vessel. It has been so long. If I do regain control, will I know where to steer? Will I make progress toward some end goal? Do I determine the end goal? Either I do, or there is some set fate. Is fate static, or dynamic? How much bearing on fate do I control? Do I control anything? Did I ever control anything? Can I ever get control? The current history of my journey, as far back as I can see, consists of being tossed between waves, like a disk passed between children. Moments of stability halted by a sudden and abraisive stop, then thrown in the direction whatever the child sees fit. Sometimes I hit the target. Sometimes I fly past, and slam into the ground. Sometimes I fall short, but with a gentle stop. What am I doing now? Is this a gentle stop? Was there a target at all? I'm in a new area than before. Is this where fate had me assigned to for this time, or did my own actions place me here? Did others actions or inactions effect my flight? Whatever the case, the change in setting gives me an unsettling feeling. Is this good or bad? I'm not sure. Does the nature of this feeling change depending on how I choose to act on it? Is this a call to arms? I reason to explore? A moment to rest, and muster the strength to carry on? I know not. Despite my fatigue I feel restless. Perhaps it is a desire to move toward some unknown fate. Perhaps fate is offering me a chance at redemption. Perhaps fate has stepped out entirely and I am on my own. Or more likely, the being that is fate is observing me. Perhaps I choose my ending, like a rat in a maze. Will I find an exit, or perhaps some treasure? Will I blindly arrive at a dead end? The future is unknown to me. Either way, I must begin to lead my own life. Or at least feel like I am. I grasp the paddle. I know not which way I go, but I am determined to follow this path till I have no energy left. - 10/08/2017